Officially going to be 1 hour late 4 class.

     I have been feeling a lot better lately, I guess you can tell b/c I haven’t written in here in a few days, but I have been reading everyone else’s diaries, I am signed in here all the time.

     Last night I was worried that Ryan didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore b/c he wasn’t online and he didn’t come to see me. I tried really hard not to think about it, b/c I know that I tend to overreact and I didn’t want to go across the hall b/c I didn’t want to seem like I was chasing him. I finally found out at about midnight that he doesn’t get back until Monday nights usually b/c he doesn’t have class until Tuesdays. I was glad that I didn’t over react or overthink it, because I really would have embarassed myself.

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my sleeping patterns are horrendous. I didn’t get to sleep until about 4:30 am…I was supposed to be in class at eight, but I have decided that I really needed to write in here, so I am going to go at 9. I was already going to be late anyways, but I got upset, and started to cry.
     Last night I talked to Steve a little. I have been doing well, and I have tried to not think of him too much the past few days…I have some crazy stories that I am going to write in here later…but anyways, Steve and I talked. We didn’t have much of a conversation. It was about absolutely nothing, and then he got to that point where he just stops talking to me altogether. His status says away, but he just stops responding. I wish he would just be like, "I have to go" or SOMETHING, I wasn’t even talking about anything that should bother him.
    I don’t even care if him and I are never together again, I’m finally stasrting to accept it. There are a million things I want to ask him, but I try not to think about it, because I know I will end up going crazy. All I relaly need to know is that he doesn’t want me anymore, I wasn’t what he wanted, and I will proly never know why. I can only guess.
     But it hurts SOOOOOOOOO MUCH that he doesn’t talk to me like I want him to. Man, I don’t even care if he doens’t tell me about his crappy days. Ijust want ot be able to tell him small stuff, like how that guy from Fanshawe Park, Steve Musclow, is coming to my college to talk to the students about hiring park officers. I thought that was cool b/c it is his trailer, and maybe he would want to know that they are coming to my school. I sent him pictures of Snowman’s wedding, and how I thought it was crazy that Jordan knew him, b/c he was the one who gave me the pictures, and he was in every single one. BUT HE NEVER TALKS TO ME!!!
     I asked him if he knew about the funny conversation Britney and I had, and how we invented our own island called Machtoes island that we can go to when we have a crappy day. She said that she was crying at the beginning of the convo. and laughing at the end. When I asked him if I toldhim about it, he said that Britney already told him about it. That hurt me SO much, I want to be able to tell him stuff. ANYTHING. But he never responds to me. At all.
     I’m so scared that Renee is right, and we will never be friends. I am SICK of hearing things about him through other people!!! I want to talk to him! Even if we aren’t the best of friends, and we don’t tell each other everything, I need to just know how he is, and maybe just joke around sometimes. My life has changed SO MUCH since he has been gone, how do you go from living together to nothing? I feel like he doens’t even care enought to talk to me, and I’m just an ex. I don’t know what to do.
    I want to send him an email about it, but I’m scared that I will say too much. I want to tell him what Renee has been saying, and even Britney too…what she said awhile back. I know that won’t help things, but at the same time, I want him to know that people are interfering.
     After he said that Britney already told him, I asked him when they talked, he said he didn’t know. Then I said "why don’t we talk?" he said "aren’t we talking now?" I was like, "yes, b/c I started it." then he didn’t answer for awhile. When he said something back he said "you sound like a little kid"
     "lol, but not really, b/c usually when they say that, they’re arguing"
     I don’t really remember what was said right after that, but I talked about Machtoes island a little more, and he never wrote back…I went out, and there wasn’t even a response when I got back.
     I have been doing well about not htinking about it, but I woke up this morning crying about it. I don’t know what to do. Maybe he just needs time before we will be able to talk more, but I’m scared htat I should talk to him. I’m also scared that by talking to him, I will push him too far. Renee said for me to not push him. She is probably right, but I don’t know if that’s pushing…

    I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I just want a friendship…or ANYthing…not this…I guess it’s better than  nothing, maybe I should just accept this? What do you guys think?