Lost in my mission to find myself.
Today I went to my new job, that was exciting. lol. J/k, it was boring as hell. The only thing that was exciting was that I was making money. and I made $48 today. Not a lot. I hate having to sit there and watch those stupid CD ROMs. Especially since I did them already at the other store I worked at. SO FRUSTRATING! I thought it was going to be kind of cool, becuase then I was hoping I would get the opportunity to take Steve’s advise and do CD ROMs on a holiday and then get paid time and a half for it. But I sat there and did six hours of that stuff, it was brutal. The only thing I didn’t like was how cold that room is. I had my coat on and I wrapped a second pair of pants around my ankles where my pants didn’t meet my shoes. I was still freezing. Six hours of that. Not to mention that I’m already so tired b/c I don’t sleep hardly ever these days. Working at 6 am wasn’t doing me any favours tho.
I noticed a weird vibe from Francis today. Maybe she was just in a bad mood. She seemed on edge…
Well, today is the day I am supposed to see Johnathon. We had an interesting talk. I have been trying to avoid thinking about it, but I have been wondering for a very long time if there is smth between Renee and Steve. Or if she likes him, and he knows about it, or if helikes her. Well, it finally all came out when I was talking to Johnathon. I realized htat I wasn’t even listening to what he was saying to me, I was just freaking out. But Renee and I had a talk about her. We talked about what happened between her and her ex. I was surprised to find out that Steve didn’t really know everything about her relationship with Dave. I didn’t know that he was abusive, but I think Steve did. But I guess what no one but some guy named Chris knew that her and David weren’t really together all that time they were living together, for at least 5 months of it.
So even when Steve, her and David were hanging out 2 weeks ago, her and David weren’t together. But even before all of that, when I was hanging out with them, they weren’t together. It really doesn’t make sense. They even slept in the same bed together…it’s so weird that she didn’t tell Steve. But it makes me feel better at the same time. I guess it makes me happy that they aren’t close enought that she would tell him absolutely everything. I have calmed down since I talked to Renee. I still wonder if Renee likes Steve. They really do have a weird friendship. I’m not quite sure why Renee likes to push my buttons. I don’t know. Maybe she really is just testing me to see how I will react. It doesn’t matter. I can’t assume anything until I have been told something.
Something really interesting that Johnathon said was that I deal with being without Steve or deal with being with him until I learn how to be happy on my own.
Something else interesting that someone said to me was Alissa. She said "it’s a tough place to be, needing someone." she’s right.
I guess I have lots more thinking to do. I still don’t konw how I’m going to make myself happy, or how the hell I’m going to get myself through this school year. I don’t know what I can do to motivate myself. Johnathon suggested just going to the library. Even just sitting there, he said I will probably end up doing something. Who knows? Maybe I’ll jsut end up reading totally irrelavant books or smth? lol.
Well, I am going to brush my teeth, make myself some food, tidy my room a little, change into my pjs and read a little. Then I will sleep. I would like it to be a relaxing night.