Strength

     I can do this. I can be strong. It’s been almost 2 months now. I can’t talk to him. But I have to prove myself by being strong. I shouldn’t cling to the very last hope this way. I should probably except that it’s over. But I need to not ask Renee a million questions about him. I can do this. I can’t talk to her about him. I probably shouldn’t even talk to Butternuts about him. I should probably just stick to this diary. Everyone just tells me I need to get over it, he’s not coming back. I probably really should, for my sanity.

     I think too obsessively. I always have. Even before I  had a b/f, if I had a boy on my mind, that was all I ever thought about. I tell too many people too many things, and expect everyone to keep my secrets, and tell me all their secrets. I expect too much from too many people. I need to find myself, and find comfort in myself, because in the end, all anyone ever has is themselves. It’s the sad truth, but if you don’t have yourself, what do you have? And I am a nurturing person. I need to nurture myself. I have no one else to do it. My mom certainly isn’t going to do it, she doesn’t know how to take care of her problems. Neither does my biological mother, April. But April is mentally ill. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mom did that to herself one day though.

    I probably should stop talking to my ex b/f’s mom too, but she was so helpful in my time of need…she opened her house and her heart to me. But now I know that all she wants is for Steve and I to get back together. I know she will do everything in her power to make that happen. And that means that if I am going to be hurting because of that, that’s probably what she will do. Her heart’s in the right place, it really is, but I think that maybe she will try too hard to make it work, and I will be very sadly disappointed. I can’t get caught up in her meddling. I want Steve and I to get back together, I really do. I don’t know if I can go through this pain again.

    I think I am going to be scarred for other relationships though. If I love someone else, I am going to be SO afraid to let them in. Steve and I always talked about having kids and getting married. We even talked about it the day he broke up with me. We didn’t even ever say "if", we said "when". I don’t think he even thought that we were going to break up that day. I think it just happened. I think he acted on the moment, and then realized what he did later. I think he still stuck with his decision for a good reason, but he just wished we were still together. I don’t know. I’m not in his head. But I do know that everything he ever said to me was real. He meant it when he said he loved me, and he meant it when he said he had never loved anyone as much as he loved me. He broke up with me because I was harassing him. I know I was, I couldn’t stop because I didn’t know how. I need to learn how. And that means relearning every thought I have ever had. It means redoing my whole upbringing, becuase if we do get back together, it will recurr. And if we don’t, it will happen again with someone else.

     I can’t even think of being with someone else. So many people are interested, and I just want nothing to do with them. If I am with someone else, I am inevitably going to drive them away. I’m not going to be able to let them in, and I’m not going to be able to tell the difference between someone who’s cheating, and my own jealousy. I’m going to be so completely lost, I’m going to go insane. I’m not going to know how to react to anything. I’m not going to know if I should ask questions, or if asking questions is going to drive them away. I’m going to be so afraid of knowing anything, I’m not going to know what to think. OH, MY GOD, I WANT HIM BACK! I don’t think I will be strong enough to start again with someone. Not for a really long time. And even when I am, I’m going to be a complete disaster.

    Ok, back to the subject at hand. This was supposed to be about me finding strength. I want to be able to look back on this and find strength when I’m upset.

     ….ok….God doesn’t want me to dwell on this. He already told me. When I asked, he sent me the number 13. He wants me to know that I can still do this without him, and I can have strength without him, he sent me 3 four-leaf clovers. (Steve’s nickname was Clover for his 4leaf clover finding abilities) AND I FOUND THEM ON MY OWN! I can do this. I can do this without leaning on anyone. And I can do this just by finding strength in this journal. I will type in here every day if I have to.

     God wanted me to know that I could have been happy with him forever. He told me that. He wanted me to know that if I kept harassing him, I was going to lose him. He told me that becaues one day when I was harassing him, a tree almost fell on us. I should have left it alone then. But god is still sending me messages now. He’s telling me to not hope for him, but that I can do it on my own. I can get through this without him. GOD HIMSELF TOLD ME…lol. What will happen to me with relationships in the future, I don’t know. I would really like to think that Steve and I will meet again someday, and I will have his kids. Well, maybe I won’t. Maybe I really will love someone just as much. I feel like I won’t right now…some people never do. Maybe I won’t be able to open up to someone else ever again. I don’t know. Maybe someone who really likes to read online diaries will read this and give me some crazy quote by someone…I like quotes, or amazing advise that will really help me a lot. So far there’s been like, 3 quotes that have really meant a lot to me and helped me with this.

     1)If it’s yours, set it free and it will come back. If it doesn’t, than it never was.
2)Have no regrets. Only lessons.
3)Only worry if there’s something you can do about it. If you can’t, than forget about it.

I think I should stick with those.  I hope someone gives me some quotes or smth…I should really go tho, b/c it’s 2am…lol class tomorrow at 8am, here I go again…freaking mondays.