I think I should just do this all the time now…
Well, I haven’t written here in almost a whole year. It’s amazing, but reading over that last entry, I seem so different from the way I am now.
I don’t know where to start…Steve broke up with me. I can’t believe it. I truly thought we would be together forever. I think that maybe he did too, maybe I just fucked up. That whole Elise thing was so fucked up.
Maybe this can be a new start for me. Maybe this is how I can deal with my problems and get through shit, instead of leaning on people that want nothing to do with me. Like all my roomates for example.
I just don’t know what to do! *sob* The whole time I was with Steve, it was like everything I knew was beautiful, the whole world was so happy, and even on a shitty day, it was still really good. I just can’t describe the sweet feeling that he brought me. It was beautiful. I never felt anything that was so good, or so right. *sob* I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 months since he dumped me.
When it happened, it was like something inside me just died. I couldn’t eat or sleep, I had diarrhea for a week, not to mention the cold sores that have been reoccuring. I only get them when I’m really stressed, and I’ve had 2 in the last month. I feel so awful all the time.
I think that it took me until just yesterday to accept that maybe he’s really not coming back at all. I still just have that shadow of a doubt in my mind though, and I wonder. I’m going insane. I still probably think of him a few hundred times in one day. I don’t know how to be happy anymore! I really need to see a doctor.
I talked to my Auntie Leigh about it a little bit, and she has been through a lot, she got the courage to come back award, because she overcame post partem depression when my cousin was born. She was hospitalized a gajillion times for it, b/c all she wanted to do was kill herself and my cousin. She was on the front page of the Toronto Star. My mom’s side of the family didn’t take too kindly to that, b/c they didn’t know that it was going to happen, and I think they were embarassed. They just don’t understand mental illness at all, I think it scares them. They just want nothing to do with her. I admire her, I love her to pieces.
She made me feel better a few times. She always has something good to say, and even if she really doesn’t, I just like talking to her, b/c she understands depression. Probably like no one else could.
She said that when Grandma had a heart attack, she got really upset, and needed to have her medication adjusted. She said that maybe I need something along those lines. I definately want to see a psyciatrist or smth. I think that maybe I could get some medication or smth.
I really like this a lot. I think that this will be my new outlet. Everyone is sick of me. No one fucking cares. I feel so shitty all the time, and no one gives a fuck, b/c all I really end up doing is depressing them. I can’t wait until my guidance appt. on Friday tho. I’m going to give him that list he told me to make about things I like about myself. I’m pretty happy with it. I would really like to add more things, like crazy happy things. I think there are maybe more things I like about myself, but I’m too depressed these days to see them.
I really like that I’ve found something new to do to make me feel better. For some reason, this thing is making me really happy. I know it sounds stupid, but I want to be more like Steve. If people were more like Steve, this world would be a better place. I want to be able to sort through shit like he does. If I could be a more private person, I would, but I’m not sure I know how. I don’t like that everyone knows everything about me. It used to be that I wanted everyone to know everything about me, and now I think I just do it out of habit and probably also because I need to lean on SOMEthing right now. I have had Steve to talk to for so long, and he just GETS me. He knows me and understands me. I have so many things that I need to work through.
Like how I told Johnathon, (the counsellor) about everything, and he’s helped me come up w/ so many answers about so many things. I need to stop missing appts tho. I really wanted to stay in Toronto for a few extra days tho. So I guess it’s my own loss. I was thinking about all the steps I would have to go through to fix my issues w/ myself, and I was sort of talking out loud to Johnathon, and we were sort of talking about the stuff with my mom too, and I realised out loud that, "Changing the way I think means I have to change everything I have ever known!" And Johnathon kind of nodded and he was like, "ya! And it’s going to take you a really long time, probably years." Or something like that.
I know it sounds horrible, but I want Steve to be miserable. I want him to move on, and love someone else just like how I love him, and have the same situation pop up, and then he can be fucked over. Because although he’s been cheated on and all that, he’s never really been with someone other than me that treated him properly. So I was the first one. I want him to fall madly in love with someone else who treats him really well. Just like how he treated me. And then HE can have it all come crashing down on top of him. He can have a turn at having everything fall to shit, and have nothing going right and have the person he cares about most drop him like he was nothing in the middle of a crisis. Because even though he’s had a lot of relationships that he’s really cared about, I don’t think he’s ever really been dumped. I guess that’s karma, man. B/c neither had I until this one.
It’s like that song, "the first cut is the deepest". I feel that more than ever right now. I laid everything out for him, he had all of me in the palm of his hand. I let myself become more vulnerable than I ever had before, because I trusted him so completely. And the irony of that is, THE REASON HE BROKE UP WITH ME IS BECAUSE HE THINKS I DON’T TRUST HIM! I’m sorry, but when you spend as much time as him and Elise did together, when he went to that one week pre-college preparation thing…"first at fleming"…and SHE DIDN’T KNOW THAT HE HAD A G/F UNTIL AFTER FOUR DAYS! I don’t get it! FOUR DAYS! What the hell could they have possibly been talking about all that time?! I just don’t get it! And not to mention that she
thought so strongly that he liked her back that she PLANNED ON ASKING HIM OUT! How is it that so many people didn’t know that I existed?
*sob* I DON’T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG! How could anyone possibly have this happen in this way? I can’t believe I actually thought we would be together forever! I feel like I just don’t know him anymore. I feel like maybe I never really knew him at all. That week that he was away was absolute torture. I can’t believe that he didn’t call me until the Thursday. He arrived on Sunday, and he couldn’t call me until Thursday. THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY!
What happened to us? What the hell happened? I felt us changing. Something in us was changing. I just didn’t want to do anything anymore. I stopped being fun. I became my mother. Steve wanted to go out and drink, and have a good time with his friends. I just lost that. I had no disre to do that anymore. I would have been happy to spend every day with just Steve. and then, at the same time, that probably wouldn’t have made me happy either. I just have this weird thing that I have to argue. I do it to everyone that’s close to me. And it took a year of being with Steve before it started to show with him at all. I think that maybe he was starting to be unhappy. I need help. I need medication…or just to talk to someone about all this. I think there’s something wrong with me. Becuase I really do have such a desire to argue about stuff sometimes. I’m not sure why. It was like that when I was at Melissa’s too. I would just look for ways to irritate her, but I think that maybe she’s much the same way. I don’t know.
It’s like, the more time I spend with someone, the more I want to argue with them and stuff. and I don’t mean I like to debate either. Debating is a healthy way of dealing with anger. I mean, I pick a fight. I think that I 95% don’t realize that I’m doing it. I just don’t know how to change it. This will be a good thing to mention when I talk to Johnathon on friday. I think he can probably either help me with it, or direct me to a place that can help me.
Well, I really don’t know what I was just going to say, b/c there was a fire alarm in my building, and I’ve been outside for like, 10 minutes. I feel a little bit better after I socialized a little bit w/ my roomates. Things are still extremely shitty though…it’s weird. How talking to my roomates can make me feel better when I know what they say about me when I’m not around.
Earlier today I ran into Jen as I was walking to the drilling building, and I talked to her a little bit. It was weird, I started to cry when I was talking to her, b/c she asked me how I was, and I just couldn’t help it, b/c I was on the verge of tears all day. It’s such an unbelievably shitty feeling. I don’t really remember what I said to bring it up, but I mentioned people talking about me, and she was just like, "I hate talking about it. There was a conversation that started I think yesterday, and I just walked away from it. I just don’t want anything to do with it." I was like YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT! I know she loves drama, and she likes to know everything and be in the middle of stuff. brb, dinner time! and I proly have to do dishes too.
Ok, back. I really like this whole writing in here to sort out my problems idea. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think it’s because I admire how Steve sorts out his problems on his own, I really want to be able to do the same thing, instead of ALWAYS relying on other people to give me advice and such.
Well, then when I was high and I was all upset b/c of the conversation I overheard amongst all of my roomates. When I was talking to him on msn, acutally, I think I will paste tha part of the conversatoin.
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
I think I was set up
Steve says:
by..
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
with the whole Alex thing
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
my roomates
Steve says:
one of those things that you will never know
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
no, I do know
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
it’s one of those thingsI can never prove
Steve says:
that too
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
they knew that they could tell me almost anything and I would believe it
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
I cna’t believe how many times Gill said for me to go talk to Alex, or go talk to Katie…and I did it!
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
she was just sitting back, laughing and waiting for the drama to come
<span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #545454″>How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
OMG!
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
and for SOOO long, I would start talking to Gill about something, and Sara would come in RIGHT as soon as I got on the topic
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
and start talking about something stupid
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
and even when I was upset over you!
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
I would mention your name, and Gill and Sara would look at each other and laugh
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
the reason why Gill has been listening to me talk for so long, is becuase she enjoyed watching my misery!
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
I know you think I’m just high, but I don’t think I am anymore
Steve says:
your smart
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
what do you mena?
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
how?
Steve says:
you need my help..
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
what?
Steve says:
you know how it works just talk it out
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
ok…
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
what do u wnat me to sya?
How could I POSSIBLY be hurt already? I’m single! says:
say*
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
Steve?
Steve says:
anythinh
Steve says:
you figure it out all on your own
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
ok
Steve says:
i wanted to give you adivese but you gave it to your self
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
I’m confused
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
I haven’t given myself advice, I’ve only figured out what the problem was
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
with a lot mroe than jsut this
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
?
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
hey, are u there?
<div style=”MARGIN: 0in 0.9pt 0pt 0.05in”>Steve says:
yeah
Steve says:
well you know the problem and that half of the battle
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
ok
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
and what was ur advice going to be?
Steve says:
i gave it to you
Steve says:
aviod the problem ppl
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
everyone is the problem people
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
it’s like living with a group of peole half the size of my elementary school
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
to get away from it, I have to never come out of my room ever again, and that’s not healthy
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
I have to either drop out of school, or find a way around it
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
I don’t know if I can do this
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
because this would involve me talking to no one
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
and that is extremely difficult
Steve says:
no i didnt say dont talk just dont hang out or invloe your self in goship
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
don’t hang out?
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
that’s the same thing as not tlaking, I think that’s what I meant
Steve says:
with the ppl who caused you greaf
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
that’s a lot of people
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
now who do I go to talk to…?
Ok, so that conversation goes on for quite some time. And then he says something else later, which really made me feel good.
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
are u stil there?
Steve says:
yeah
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wtf is going on with my life?! says:
nothing to say?
Steve says:
no im just surprized
I thought I wasn’t trusting ENOUGH! wt