My life is such a mess right now!

     so ya, since I wrote last even more has happened. I have a lot to say.

   Brad thinks I should move in with him. I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea. I mean, we HAVE known each other and been friends forever. And I do have to find a place to live….it’s just really odd.

     The thing that is bothering me most right now is Chris. Even though we kind of sorted it out, I think I have more than a right to be upset. It wasn’t so bad that I knew he liked Laura. Yesterday, when I told Karyn that, she asked me if she had a boyfriend and I said, no, not that I know of. And she didn’t say anything until later when she came upstairs to talk to me when I was sitting outside of my math class. She said that Chris told her something but I had to promise not to tell him that I told her. she said that he said "I really like this girl a lot, but she has a boyfriend. I’m friends with her boyfriend, but he doesn’t know that I like her. Her and her boyfriend have been together for a really long time, but I don’t think they’re in love."

     I think I could not be so upset if it was anyone else in the world. He could be with Laura, he could be with Heather, I would be a little jealous, but I know I would get over it. Karyn and I have been friends for eleven YEARS. Who the hell does he think he is?

    I confronted him over the phone because I couldn’t do it in person earlier. I didn’t really have the chance. I got him to admit that he liked her a lot. But he made me swear not to tell Karyn. I told him the truth about what Karyn said to me and he sounded really hurt that she told me. I promised him that I wouldn’t tell Karyn the truth about how he feels. But I told her. I’m just not going to tell Chris that she knows because then it will be obvious. Actually, maybe I should tell Chris that I told her. Because I thing that it’s something that Karyn’s boyfriend of three years would appreciate knowing.

     You know, last night I told Chris that if things didn’t work out with Brad, a couple years from now or something, I would actually marry him. But you know, I’ve rethought that, and just because of this whole situation, I wouldn’t. You know what, he messed up his last chance with me. It wasn’t even a guaranteed chance, but it was still there. Because I really do think that I’m too immature for our relationship and being with somebody like him. I think me and Brad will last a really long time. I think we will work out and if we don’t, I won’t go back to Chris. Maybe if he had come to me first and told me about it, it would have been ok. But he told both Karyn and her b/f before he told me. He didn’t directly tell them, but it was enough to make Chris Louis (Karyn’s b/f) really upset and think that there was something going on. It was enough to make Karyn feel that she had something to tell me. But he didn’t have enough respect to tell me how he felt. I wasn’t important enough to him. I’m going to tell him that. I’m going to tell him today at lunch. That’s in 20 minutes.

     I really did love him, but I didn’t feel quite right. I felt caged, tied down, boxed in. He just made me angry by the smallest thing. He fed fuel to my fire by letting me walk all over him, and treating me like I was his mother, and making excuses for things that didn’t even matter. He lied to me, and wouldn’t tell the truth about things that I wouldn’t even care about. That’s what makes Brad so amazing. He has the same beliefs as me when it comes to honesty. Even if it’s going to hurt the other person, the person has the right to know. Chris is so accustomed to telling lies and half-truths, all he sees is that he should keep everything from everyone, then there will never be any problems. When Brad asks me a question, he wants the truth, no matter the consequences. And I don’t have any qualms whatsoever telling him the truth, because I feel that’s how it should be. When Chris would ask me a question, he wouldn’t want the truth, he only wanted to hear what he wanted to see. I implied to him so many times that I didn’t want to be with him and he would say, "I think that you’re just really scared of committing to me, and you don’t want to be tied down." Well, I suppose that is true, but he would say this after I said something like "I don’t think you’re the person I want to be with," or, "I don’t think I’m happy with you,". He’s the master of lying to himself.

    Not to mention that I happened to get caught sneaking out AFTER I wasn’t with Chris anymore. So to my family, it’s like, "oh, no, who’s she hanging out with now, that she’s doing these terrible things?" I mean, what am I supposed to say, "Guess what guys! It was origanally Chris’s idea, and I would’nt have started doing it if it weren’t for him!" So I guess I just have to stick with, "yes, it’s all because I have a million new friends and everything has changed, you guys will see me turn out just like my biological mother, i will have a terrible life, nothing will ever be good." and because I’m not with Chris, and they liked him, they are going to continue to think that no one else is better. Everything is so messed up right now. I never thought I would see the day that even my Grandmother was against me, wouldn’t listen to what I have to say, and side with my ex b/f that she hardly knows over me. You know, I really do think that hell just froze over. My grandmother ALWAYS listens to what I have to say. She ALWAYS at least TRIES to see my side even though I could be completely wrong. Even those times I kicked my dad in the sack, spat in his face, beat up my mom, hit my sister. She just tried to see where I was coming from, and what was going on in my head. even when I hit her, she still tried to know what was going on through my head. But now I’ve broken up with a b/f of eleven months. She happened to like him, and everything has gone to crap. She was like this even before she knew I snuck out. The one person that will still talk to me is my Grandfather. He won’t say what side he’s on, but I know it’s not with me. The only reason he is going to listen to what I have to say is because he was a professor at Uof T and taught people how to be social workers.

    neways, time for me to go!