Uh ..yup

I haven’t been able to write as much as I want. Whenever I feel the need to write, my thoughts seem to disappear as soon as I reach this page. I guess it’s writer’s block, but I like for some sort of importance to really be read in this entry. It’s not like I have people who read this, but just for the benefit of myself. Journals are really for yourself to reflect back on in the later days of life. I just watched a movie called, “White Oleander” and I must say everytime I watched it, just gives me chills. I have read the book before seeing the movie and well, it’s just amazing. Books have always made such a big impact on my life. Just gives a better insight into things you may never even think about. I guess it explains why I love books on depression and drugs. I feel like I can relate, even if I only tried drugs once. It really makes me write, yet I come here and blank out. I guess I feel the need to prove myself with an amazing entry, when in reality, it just doesn’t matter. It’s my thoughts, whether they matter to anyone else, as long as it does to me in the end. I feel sometimes that my life isn’t that much of an importance, only because my life does consist of nothing right now. I just waiting for something BIG to happen, yet sitting on my lazy ass, nothing ever does. I disappoint myself when I don’t do the effort of changing my life for the better. I pity myself when people do stop talking to me and blame myself, but that’s all it comes to. It’s not like I really change myself for people to start talking to me, I just don’t care anymore. I feel there is really no reason to care so much, just lowers your self-esteem and mine is already so low. I have too many expectations, and I caused myself pain in having such high standards. It sometimes makes me sick to believe I have become my own worst enemy. It sickens the whole factor of trying so hard to become that. I don’t want to end up completely fake and phony. Why bother the pain and angst of it all, if I just stopped caring? Oh well, it’s not worth it anymore. I’m sick of trying and ending up the same. It’s the worst when no one does believe in me. It really proves that I don’t have those true friends that you hear about. I have myself, and family, and that’s only just sometimes. What can you do but wait …wait for something good to happen. If not, I’m out of here and on my own.