Floating Away

My life is a complete cycle with everything I do. It never changes. Every situation I have been in, have at least been similar enough to know what is going to happen next. I never know what to do, so I do the same thing and it gets me nowhere. I wish it was easier for me, but I don’t know how to make it easier. Especially with guys in general, I really suck with that. As much as I have been in relationships, it’s always the same stuff and yet I do stupid things that caused bad stuff to happen. Yet I always tell myself never to be the person that I end up being in the end. I think I just need to step away from guys for a while and just enjoy life with friends. I don’t need hook-ups or relationships to satisfy my every need. Who knows if I actually follow through with that though. I don’t even trust myself enough to know that. I think it would be best for me to really know what I want and to become more of myself and know who I am. I scared myself when I do things that I never knew I could. I need to focus really on being friends with people and build strong friendships. Because so many times, I have slacked my friends off for a guy who I never end up with. It’s not fair for my friends to be treated that way and I know I do and for some reason I think that guys are so much more important, but they aren’t and I messed everything up with my friends. I need to really clear my mind of always thinking that I have to be with someone or else, I’m lonely. I shouldn’t need that satisfaction in order to be happy and satisfied. I need to make myself happy and be able to go out and just have fun. Not have a mission to go find guys or attempt that. I just need to be free from once. Not have a guy in my life for once. I just need to be me and have me time and figure myself out. I’m def not ready for anything sort of relationship with a guy right now. I need to let go of that old self, and become a better me. It’s gonna take awhile, but I can do it and need to. It’s my life, gotta change it until it’s right.