CHANGES

With everyone leaving, just makes me think if I did the right thing. I feel so like dumb for not taking the opportunties to the colleges that did accpet me. But then, with every possibility, it feels like I always make the wrong one in the end. I hate to have regrets and I feel like I don’t have any, but I wish I could escape from the others. I sometimes wish I could escape from myself alot as well. I wish life and everything in itself was that easy. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I failed myself everytime things don’t go as plan. Yet it’s life taking chances and I, like always, take every chance I get. Especially, when they turn out to be the worst things I can do. I shug it off knowing I have done such and feel like I don’t care, yet inside I’m burning. I’m wishing with all my might that things turn my way and I was to be happy. I always think I need something or rather someone to make me happy. That I need to depend on someone else for my emotional status. It’s sad that I have no longer rely on myself, but on others. Even in the worst-case scenerio, and I’m the one getting hurt in the end, even for a tiny second, I was most likely happy. I just never know what to do, and play these games with myself as well as others. It just continues the long and deep hole I have put myself into. I’m hoping that when college starts, things get better. Yet I can’t even trust my feelings anymore because they always change and I hurt people in the process. I think I need to spend more time on myself rather than a random hook-up or getting someone back. What’s the point, it just provides more sadness in my life. I just wish I could really get away with not caring, yet the end result makes me care even more. I sometimes wish I had no feelings or thoughts. At least for a day, to not care and just do whatever the hell I please. Yet I continue. I feel as though I did lie to people, yet the most important person in that, I lie to myself. I thought I was okay, I thought I could be okay, but yet I’m never sure with myself. I just hope that with everyone practically gone, I could help myself get better and be able to be strong around others. I’m hoping I can allow myself to get better instead of continuing getting worse. I hope, yet I won’t really know until things change and life is better. I can rely on myself and not on others. Who knows, right? Hell, I don’t anymore..