2/25/2018

I had an interesting experience yesterday. A cousin l, who lives a few hours away, had to up town. Her youngest. Need to go to children’s to be checked out.  She brought her other kids to my folks place because she didn’t want to have all her kids at the hospital. My mom was out for the day and my father was ill. So I took looking after them.  Not too hard since the oldest two are teens. But took them ok.  And fell into dad mode. It was so easy for me. And these kids responded to so much better than my kids. They were so much more respectful. Mindful even. The contrast was sharp in my mind and could see how my ex trained my kids to undercut me. How she bound those kids to her so that I couldn’t accomplish anything with them. How I couldn’t be a dad to them. Hurts.

In other news my dad has decided that I need to move out. I’ve had been working that for a long time. For months I was asking to be the primary parent in my divorce. So I was trying to find a place big enough for me and the kids. And it just wasn’t working. My credit was an issue. Timing was an issue. It just wasn’t working.

And the the settlement happened. And learned I wouldn’t that I wouldn’t be the primary parent because of the protection order she filed. I learned how much money I would have to give her. How little I was going to be living on.

That changed things. Renting a three bedroom house for me and the kids was out. I could not afford it. No way. So now now the plan is to by a place. I’m working on getting pre-qualified for a loan. But the final divorce decree is needed. I’m still waiting on that. In fact I’m wondering what’s happening with it. I was told that the paperwork would be drawn in short order and would called to come sign. That was weeks ago now. My lawyer had been discussing some issues but he hasn’t responded in over a week now.

SoSo I back to limbo. The loan is on hold. House hunting is on hold because I don’t want to purchase the home before it’s final. Don’t want to give her a chance to lay claim to it.

But then my father says he wants me to move within a couple of weeks. He is pushing for me to rent a room and just call it good. In truth I had offers to rent rooms back in Nov and Dec. I turned them down because it felt like the wrong direction. Now I’m being forced to do what didn’t feel right. And it feels like a defeat. I didn’t want to stay at my folks place forever. I knew I was going to need a place of my own for so many reasons.  But being forced out vs leaving on my own terms doesn’t feel right. I get his perspective. I know why he wants me to move on and I need to. But the manor in which it’s happening combined with the divorce and everything that has happened and been said hurts. It’s hard not to feel unwanted. My ex didn’t want me. My folks suddenly feel like they don’t want me. Tough pill to swallow.