Rollie Coaster! Wheee! (not)/update on my health**

 *****edit******

I would just like to say, for the record, that I have never cheated on Amir. This is a fact that I’m strangely proud of, but seriously… I developed a crush on my friend Bryan during Amir’s first deployment, but I didn’t so much as kiss him. I remained faithful even though I had plenty of opportunity to not be. I haven’t developed *any* crushes on anyone this deployment, and I don’t plan on starting now. Thank you, that is all for this edit. Please read this entry with that in mind.

****end edit****

 

I’m… tired of this deployment.

 

 

The Roller coaster I’m referring to is my emotions and relationship with Amir (I almost typed "e-motions," nice. haha). Anyway, have I mentioned that I hate Facebook? Cuz I really, really do… what’s the point of it, really? To brag? I have been known, on ocassion, to brag on FB, but I don’t do it  ALL the damn time like *some* people.

I usually just post on something that’s really extraordinary that’s happening in my life. (Here it comes) For example, I just made a 97% on my 4-hour long Nursing entrance test, and the class average (my competition for nursing school entry) was 81%. See? To me, that’s extraordinary and potentially life-changing. This means I will likely be accepted to Nursing school at Amir’s new post in the fall. This makes me extremely happy and relieves a lot of stress for me. THAT is something worth bragging about, right?

Anyway, bragging is not my beef with FB this time. Here’s a comment left on Amir’s wall:

 

Nina (some female he went to college with): Amir, you remind me of Roshak from Watchmen. 

Yesterday at 11:11pm via Facebook for iPhone · Comment · Like 

 Amir: that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. I totally identify with that guy, too. Thanks, Nina! 🙂 

15 hours ago 

Me: nice. =] 

11 hours ago

And I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I was okay with the comment at first. It’s not even her comment that bothers me. It’s his. My friends (and Amir’s friends) all say he was being sarcastic. I can see how *part* of that would be taken sarcastically–the part with "that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me"– but the other part sounds sincere. It makes me want to vomit. *gag*

Amir sent me an email way earlier today telling me that he wouldn’t be on Skype tonight (his night) because he was going to bed early. He ended up calling me on Skype around 11:45 pm his time. Guess he wasn’t in bed early after all. Hmm. One of the first things he said was "I love you." I replied "I love you, too." He always likes me to sing him to sleep, so I did. I did NOT mention Nina or his comment to her on his FB wall. I just let it go. If I would have mentioned it he would have  hung up on me or told me I was being "emotional" about it. I know Amir is trying to be sort of sweet to me. I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been as sweet to him.

Amir’s best friend Dan had to talk me down from my foul mood based on this girl’s comment. He always, ALWAYS makes me feel better when it comes to Amir. He’s a really good friend. He told me she was ugly and stupid. =]
Amir went to a very prestigious college (and so did this Nina girl), so how stupid could she be, right? I told his friend Dan that I could never stack up to a woman like that. Even if I got my masters and became a Nurse Practitioner (that’s my current plan), I could never be as good as she is because I didn’t go to that college and I’m not an officer in the Army. 

I’m so fucking tiredddddd of feeling this way, guys. I’m so tired of being jealous. I’m tired of caring so much. I’m not sure if I would feel this way if Amir weren’t deployed. I think the deployment plays with my head a little too much sometimes. It’s really easy to let your mind wander when you’re away from your significant other for a fucking year. And I’ll admit, sometimes I really do *seriously* wonder if Amir has been cheating or would ever cheat on me. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I do trust him… but I think it’s natural to wonder about these things. I probably wouldn’t worry so much if Amir and I were married.

Yeah, so now I’m too the point where I think I’ve gotten myself in trouble. I don’t feel scared about this even though I *think* that I should:  I don’t really feel all lovey-dovey towards Amir right now, and I think it’s because I’m starting to repress my emotions of jealousy and anger towards him. I seriously think I’m in trouble with this because for the latter part of the day today I’ve felt like I could give a shit less if he cheats on me or tries to get with this (supposedly ugly) girl. It’s so weird and disturbing. I felt this way once when he was deployed the first time, and at that time I had taken all of my love and affection for Amir and transferred them to Bryan. I never cheated on Amir, but pulled away from him emotionally and focused on Bryan. That’s when I developed my crush on him. 

There isn’t anyone in my life right now that has taken Amir’s place as far as emotion goes… it’s kind of like it’s not there right now. I hope it comes back soon. I don’t like this feeling at all. 

Amir told me that he thought I never miss an opportunity to be gushy and overflowing with sweet, gooey, lovey-dovey emotion. He told me that it’s too much for him sometimes. Of course, as you know, being the gushy romantic I am, my feelings were hurt by this. Since he told me that I’ve made an effort not to be overly mushy. Whatever.

I know I still love him. I’m just having a hard time feeling it right now, I guess.

 

By the way, an update on my health: I haven’t had any more major issues lately with my heart acting up. I did have one panic attack since the hospital visit, but that was over 3 weeks ago. One panic attack in 3 weeks is pretty good, I guess. I mean, I’d like to have zero, but this is okay. At least I know I have meds for them now. That makes me feel better, I guess. Well, anyway… my heart’s awesome. I’ve gained 3 pounds since I started eating potassium rich foods. I now weigh 116. I think I’m maintaining this weight, but I’d like to be my old weight again soon. Maybe the old weight was unhealthy. I’m 5’6”. I’ve seen the BMI tables say that 5’6” and 113 is underweight. I guess now I’m normal, and my heart is happier for it. That’s nice. 

I’d like to start training again soon. I did the 5k last week, and it was kinda scary because I got heat exhaustion. But… I would really like to start swimming or something again soon. I need to make sure I get plenty of what my body needs, though, before I start that again. I know that athletes and people working out need more potassium. I’m not sure how many more potassium-rich foods I could eat. I’m so sick of bananas and lima beans and potatoes it’s not even funny. But that’s what I have to eat to stay healthy, I guess…&nbs

p;

Anyway, that’s my full update. Thanks for reading. I know it’s long.