Open Diary has been about THE PEOPLE !!!

And no, NOT (as much, anyway) about the women I’ve banged and then described here.  Just spotted a young woman on the OD front page and came to observe I’ve been noting her, anonymously, for 14 months now!!   She’s a fairly standard teenager, in a foreign-to-me land, but who describes all of the standard teenage fear and angst, but none more prominent than that of any other teenager.

I’ve kept myself anonymous, (perhaps until later today – because, well, how much can it matter anymore???).  Of considerable note is that I’ve just tried, genuinely, to inspire this person with what she already has.  I’ve noticed a fresh-faced avatar photo, and cleverly projected, based on a female classmate of hers having one listed ‘the hottest boys in class" with this girl’s boyfriend as ‘number 1’, that the young diarist is likely quite the socially sought-after one herself.  My notes to her have been sincere, and thought-provoking, and as I just read some of her responses TO my always-anonymous notes, scattered across the last 14 months, I am so positively affected by her recognition, and by the seeming light sometimes illuminating an angle she hadn’t previously considered.

But I’ve kept my diary a secret from her…   because, well, what high school girl really needs to add the substance of my diary to gain anything that will help her in life?  Not that I personally have any problem with somebody, or anybody, reading what I’ve compiled here over 13 years.  It’s fine if you want to roam into my diary and read of your own free will.  But what important context is added to the life of a 17-year-old girl by her reading most of the substance at my diary?

(I read back on some of my anony-notes written to her during the past year, and some made me a bit sad and regretful about not giving in, when she wanted so sincerely to know who I was, that was offering such words of encouragement and perspective)

So I just wanted to affect her in purely positive fashion, mainly by reciting common theme after common theme to notes I’ve written at various times to various people over all 13 years of my OD.  I can think of one person whose diary I’ve been reading and noting since she was a teenager, and she’s thirty now.   Sometimes she’s feisty and disagreeable, and it seems that every time she posts a photo of herself, she is reflected in a mirror which is spattered considerably by toothpaste!   Then there was the one time she took such a photo in a bathroom in Berkeley, where a photo of Dan Rather was perceived by a fellow diarist to be staring at her ass.

(bouncing around with my topics here, but it isn’t easy to encompass all that has been Open Diary in this one entry) 

I’ve been writing a lot about the website at Chaturbate.com lately, and I have to pause to marvel over how much of a parallel there is to the appeal of Open Diary, and to that of Chaturbate…  and what they have in common is women (humans, really – but I just don’t have grand interest in the males there) placing themselves in an environment where they are more free to express themselves than our society tends to let women do, in most scenarios.

So when those women express themselves it is only natural that men, and perhaps other women as well, tend to come running to enjoy that self-expression with one’s guard down.  I’m convinced that the whole of the internet is fueled in large part by women interacting with keen awareness that the little "off" button down there can keep them safe, relative to how it is when they’re out socializing in the so-called "real world".  That added measure of confidence/comfort tends to inspire women to express like they so seldom have done in the past, and it remains riveting to the vast majority of society.

Perhaps many of the people on Chaturbate are quite suitable for that sort of mostly-nude self-expression, and they might be ones who are largely unsure of themselves when in a situation where their words are their vehicle of expression, such as is the case at Open Diary.  Perhaps nobody gets it, that way, and instead we so often look down upon those sharing their naked physical form on the net… but look what we’re all doing here… sharing written thoughts and feelings once deemed too personal to warrant disclosure to the masses.  We’ve sorta just taught ourselves that we really CAN express such things, and that it really is OK to be the owners of those expressions, so what makes something like Chaturbate so wrong, for those whose self-expression fits such a business model.

Lots of us can look at various forms of art (paintings, carvings, music, etc.) and enjoy and appreciate them while quickly knowing that such talents are far, far beyond our own capabilities.  Well why are we so quick to judge those whose artistic flair might be optimally suited to Chaturbate?  There are scores and scores of new people all the time at Chaturbate, and you can pick them out easily by the little "new" sign posted on their channels.  The internet, and the society which created it, is forever evolving, and it is quite likely that Chaturbate and similar sites will evolve to become more mainstream.

But this is about Open Diary, and all about the various expression contained within, for its 15-year lifespan.  I’ve known various diaries in the past where I noted anonymously for a good, long while only to reveal myself at some distant point.  It has almost always gone smoothly, and even those who decided they wanted or needed nothing to do with me had the option of simply not responding to notes.

When I began my diary, my interest was to write anonymously on a certain underworld activity which was always around, but which was seldom safe for ordinary people to investigate in any direct way.  My purpose wasn’t really to represent my own complete personality as so many do with their online diaries.  I could perhaps be many things to many different people, and with my interest in prostitution being just one small aspect of me.  I just became inspired so long ago to tell what I could about prostitution, on the chance that somebody out there would want to read and understand.

My initial exposure to Open Diary had been when somebody suggested I read and follow one online journalist via their Open Diary, and that diarist I followed is still here today, as OD breathes its last.  What I discovered when I got settled-in was a core of diarists dominated by females, each of whom likely had their own trials and tribulations.  It was perhaps the routine of being able to speak their minds in comfort which brought so many women to present a fairly tolerant acceptance of my writing, and there were times, even, when my tawdry subject matter seemed to allow women to boldly

 ask direct sex-related questions of me that they wouldn’t quite be bold enough to ask of others.  A couple of early examples were from people who had tried to lose their virginity, only to find themselves "unable" to be penetrated (on what had usually been the night before the question showed up in my notes).  In two such cases it was a simple case of the guy merely not being down/back far enough upon trying to enter the girl – and of course this all feels obvious to women who have and regularly use that anatomy, but what are you going to do if you’re a teenage girl who has never used it, and for whom things don’t seem so obvious?    Of course I was glad to help them.

There have been scores of other questions, some documented in entries which chronicled only notes received here during the first X years of my diary.  There have also been scores of great people, along with plenty of really odd people.   One was even great for a long while, before then turning really odd and accusing me of having sent an "E-card" to some random person in her real life.  (years later she reappeared at my OD to tell of thinking she owed me an apology)

Lots of the diary-begun interactions have thrived outside Open Diary via various messenger devices, and they have entailed some pretty enjoyable conversations and could-be friendships with a whole array of very pleasant people.  There is something about the self-therapy that is writing things down, and expressing them outward that way, which, in an environment of interwoven anonymity, brings the sincere and caring words of others right close to where and when they are deeply needed.  There isn’t anything quite like being able to affect others on such a deeply personal level.   When you’re already approaching from the angle of some guy who admits to picking-up prostitutes, then perhaps one sets the expectations so low that you can’t help but to positively impact others you might note.

Perhaps the most personal I ever became with another diarist was with a young woman who was currently and who had been sexually abused by her uncle for a number of years.  She so needed somebody to talk to, and she was so challenged to be able to even find a therapist in town who didn’t already know her family, or know somebody else who DID know her family.  I chatted with her for two or three years, and while I was limited in terms of just what I could do for her directly, I have a strong sense that things I said to her at least formed a foundation of understanding to cope with related future challenges she might expect.

I also recall a most memorable evening spent watching the webcam of a young and barely-legal adult who I had bantered back and forth with here at OD.  You could read about that one in early June of 2004 entries.

More recently there has been a college student whose intelligence is plain to discern and whose social life has generally undershot what she probably rates from life.  She’s one of those smoldering beauties whose femininity just beckons from all angles, yet who isn’t usually very sure of herself at the same time.   One day she told me of somebody who really meant something to her, and of a certain place she wanted to visit, because the certain place had meant a lot to the person who had meant so much to her.  Well she told of visions/hopes of getting there, but it seemed altogether uncertain whether she would ever make it.  By some stroke of luck the certain place was quite near to me, while being far, far away from her… so I went there, and captured an intimate sense of the place, and was able to share it with her in personalized photographs, which were a combination of fun, and meaningful at the same time.

Just very recently I have been on friendly terms with a female diarist who has a life far away from most, and who must face some sobering reality the likes of which nobody her age should know.  This is a young adult woman born of considerable power and privilege, and who is considerably attractive as well.  She lives in a world walled-off from the masses, and writes of having known the finer things in life, and of no monetary worries in the world.   She doesn’t even know for sure where they  keep her identification.  But you see, this woman must also deal with extreme flaws in her internal organs and that tethers her to a life of medical treatment and hospitals, and a life expectancy which is quite limited.  All of that while a sister lives the same life, only free of the medical drawbacks.  The affected one is amazing in terms of the sharpness of her mind, and she is obviously well-educated and quite impressive at written communication.  Yet for all of her setbacks, she has done almost no socializing with people in her would-be peer group, and even her own sister is aloof and seldom around.  So this simple girl wants to learn about sex, and wants to understand her sexuality while remaining unsure whether to make sexual advances toward someone in her very limited human periphery.  She has the most basic questions – those which many might have had cause to figure out while fending off boys during teenage years.  But how is THIS particular woman supposed to have learned that stuff?   Sex is a forbidden topic in her family and she just doesn’t have any other social outlets.

The woman has good reason for needing a therapist, but she can’t even escape her family’s clutches for long enough to avail herself of such a person.  So through some stroke of good fortune a priest was available and nearby during a recent hospital visit and I encouraged the young woman to gently inform the priest that she really could use someone to talk to and confide in.  Low and behold that turned into a home visit (to an elaborate ‘compound’ with tight security), during which both sides truly thrived.

I’d love to know that woman’s whole story…  and it is something that would be so good in print, particularly in tandem with the theme of a young adult woman seeming to have everything that money could buy, and yet who must confront a fate so very unthinkable to most.  Hopefully such a read would inspire others to be a whole lot more content with what they have, and to not take anything for granted.  As Open Diary breathes its final days, I am kindling that friendship.

While browsing through my diary two nights ago, for what might have been one last time, I thought to send notice of OD’s demise, and then a couple of poignant entries to my favorite prostitute who, by the way, announced her ‘retirement’ from the business of prostitution nine years ago this month.  Haven’t had any response from her yet, but I did get to relive the rush of sentiment about her being so unique and special.  When I last heard from that original favorite prostitute, she was doing well…  gainfully employed, with a boyfriend of a couple of years, one in whom she’d confided things about her past that she was convinced long ago that she would never breathe to another soul.

It washer remarkable uniqueness…  to the cold December streets at 1:00am which surrounded her… that first inspired me to want to write here about the sensations I felt, and which she inspired in me.   We had a white-bread routine, one where $500 would buy 3 hours of her time and company, and where we would basically just relax as I enjoyed her company, at the very least.

I’d driven the same streets many, many times previously, and shared car dates with many of the women that red light district had to offer.  That favorite prostitute had worked those and similar streets for about a year after a tragic loss of her spouse, and while just trying to pay the way for their young daughter.  She in her own words "did what she had to do" toward that end, but she presented such compelling and sincere company that I could not have asked or hoped for more.  Nor could I fathom ever sharing anything so insignificant as a "car date" with the likes of her enjoyable personality.  Two or three hours after we first met, we were at an all-night grocery store as she cruised around picking up things she needed at home.  Chief among them were the snack-sized meals called "Lunchables", which were very new to the world back in late 2000.

Hopefully that woman’s now-teenaged daughter is thriving based on mom’s sincere persona, and perhaps she too has some internet confidants drawn from the most unlikely sources who are serving her well (though ideally on websites whose longevity far exceeds that which we know here).

In closing, I have the feeling that the brand name that is Open Diary is probably too noteworthy to shut down without a trace, but I have to say that the present day operation took a giant turn for the worse with the 2004 hacker attacks, and never really recovered due to the considerable exodus at that point.  After that it was largely smoke and mirrors where OD would go on record boasting hundreds of thousands of diaries, but the truth was that just 5 of every 100 had been updated within 3 months.  It has been clear for some time that nobody running OD really cares about it, and it has been a function of their own mismanagement way back in the day (what with the constant rule changes and major inconsistencies) that OD evolved to the shape it has taken today.

When I first landed at OD, the very first rule of the site was  "Remain Anonymous"… and the other day when I scanned my friends and bookmarks to see what I might want to retain, I listed 25 or 30 names of various diarists who I wanted to retain for potential future reference.

When I first landed at OD, the rules about content were fairly clear and concise:   "R-rated is OK, but X-rated is not".   Even that was selectively enforced, where if you were a hot-seeming teenage girl, you were allowed, and perhaps encouraged to go X-rated whenever you wanted, even from the base of a white-bread and pure-seeming diary.  If, however, your diary by its very nature, was likely to test the borders of R- and X-rated (a reality implied considerably on your front page), then for some selective reason, you were arbitrarily policed (when anybody had the whim to police anything, that is).

Some of the reasons cited for this, by OD admin, had to do with twelve-year-olds, and what they may or may not access on the web, even though Open Diary was presented as a website for ages 13 and up.   Open Diary was at its origin a good concept, but it has been repeatedly run into the ground along the way by people who just weren’t thinking, and who, when unable to unearth their last thought, just made up some new and incongruent rule to represent their next whim.

I’m quite glad that the actual content of my diary isn’t that important to me… as it has mainly been the people here, over my 13 years writing at OD, who have made the greatest impact.   Yes, even Brandee101, controversial diarist from so long ago.  She was an avid reader of my OD back in the day.

And y’know who still, through it all, maintains the best diary:    MissMeg,   who you can find over at Prosebox.net.

Mostly because she’s a great photographer, and the pictures add 1000 words whenever her thoughts pause.   Most of her diary has been privatized, but I can recall when she had left her small town, northern home, to spend a year at university in Arizona, only to return home at Christmas and begin to fall for a boy she’d known all her life.  Not only did she share pictures of her and her now husband when they were ages 3 and 4 (or so), but she has photos of their fathers together as young boys too.  Years later they have two sons of their own, and their lives generally thrive.  That’s just one more example of the great human stories you could find at Open Diary.

This has been the mindset of your john.

(now if you will excuse me, I’m about to go and finally reveal myself to the teenage girl from far away, mentioned at the beginning of this entry)

(wish me luck  – or hide me )