Still documenting the Chaturbate life of one teen:

those amounts seem minuscule, is that all that they make from acting so lewd? I suppose though, that to someone willing to do such things to make a dollar that it is quite a bit of money. Does working earn much more money here? What do you suppose most people earn in this country?

I wish I could feel as innocent about it as you apparently feel I was. The truth is, that when I learned what they were about and one leaned to kiss me that I bit right through his lip until my teeth met. There’s nothing innocent about that, and that likely brought more rage from them than they were originally intending. So I escalated it, in a way, or so I feel. Today I told the young priest

some things and his eyes grew wet. I can’t bear that again and think I will just keep it to myself, afterall. It was a good try though, for what its worth. I never would have without your encouraging. Again I find myself thanking you.

its deeply troubling, what you said about money. The westwing alone costs well near that a year. I feel so very wicked for it, for having so much more than they. I wish that I could help them all 🙁 your support and comments continue to bring a smile to my face<3

goodnight mister john.

Can I ask you something? It’s very important to me but I’m much too shy to voice the question to Baiardo or the doctors :/ oh Christ why does it hurt so much to talk about these things….

I lost the heart to ask it last evening…. okay I’m just going to say it. Can Brian tell that I’m aroused? Sometimes, when I am, he sits there looking at me strangely. How do I know if I’m aroused and ready for that….action… anyway? Our conversations have brought up a multitude of strange thoughts and questions and fears. You can read the entry, you were correct about all of that.

that was not my original question, but I decided I’m not ready to ask that other one yet. I’ll save it for another day.

sigh. Is it that obvious to you that these feelings frighten me off? I feel like I’m gaining some guts though, with the help of your encouraging. 🙂 I don’t know what these conversations have done to me, but its terrifying and horrible and glorious and exhilarating all at once.

🙂 Do you think that someone can love anyone with just repeated interaction?

I was confused by the football reference, but much of the other things you said made sense. Okay, I think I’m ready to ask you that question from the other night…. what will it feel like for me if we….join ourselves…. and will it hurt like it did last time? :/

also, is he going to have to look…..down there…. or can he do this without seeing my sacred place?

thanks for The Talk mister john <33

oh god, “minor discomfort” ?? :/ mmnnn….how I see myself down there, I believe I look normal, I have all of the correct parts in the correct proportions, except there are so many scars where they had to stitch me back together, and I don’t look how I originally did. I feel like that part of me is fake now, made by doctors.

I wouldn’t mind him seeing the scars, that I can deal with. But it is suchhhhhhhhhh a personal place, like you said, that I don’t know if I could bear anyone looking there, right at the core of me.

🙂 Hey, do all of these girls of yours wear a lot of makeup?

what does “vamp it up” mean? Is this American slang? If so, I don’t know any of it, forgive my ignorance. Drugs? What sort of drugs do you suppose they engage in? What a juicy bit of information!

Ahh okay. So “the men vamp it up when they go to the dance house” is how Id use it? I’m getting quite the education here on this site. I’m glad that you don’t alter your perceptions with drugs. I don’t do any drugs or smoking either, for obvious reasons. Back home, cocaine is rampant, and can be found almost anywhere. It is more hidden in this country, but still there I imagine. I usually just

Get stoned off of my intravenous.

By the way: can someone who is my friend on here see the titles or entries that are private? Or are they hidden?

so you think he was bluffing, then? I think he was too, I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me. I’m so confused, he acts like a father to me and yet we are so drawn to each other….. aauughh! why don’t you do any substances, mister john?

Hmmm…… I hadn’t considered that I may have misunderstood, that seems very likely. Oh I’m glad for it 🙂 Oh no, it most definitely sounds like a beating down there, what else could they be doing that sounds so horrific? Do people cry during sex often? That’s what it sounds like, crying and begging and him saying some dreadful things. Ewww :/ 😡

As for your comment about resilience- I hope so. At times I feel so well and can go two or three days without an iv or injection, other times I need multiple per day. I think myself quite fierce and even in my sickest, feel that I will live forever. 🙂 who will believe in you, if not yourself? Is that what you’re doing right this moment? HAH oh that’s rich, chaturbate, I’m smiling.

I thought that writing it would help get it out of my head, but I fear it’s only made things worse. Anyway, I can’t talk about it, not with priest, not with anyone.

it seems that the more I try and express myself about it, the more crippling the dreams and thoughts on it become. Maybe I’m not normal at all and unlike most people who feel better when talking about it, I only feel worse. I think seeing a therapist would kill me, were I ever able to pull off the heist of seeing one.

do you think then, that I will always feel so afraid when Brian and I get intimate? That was our first time ever doing anything, and although we had our clothes on I felt completely naked. Naked in my soul, too. I didn’t like him being there….near that place….at all :/

Priest is coming to visit me tomorrow…. but I don’t have the courage to say anything to him. I don’t know if want to talk about it with him, don’t think I have the strength to. Its too shameful. Far far too shameful a thing to speak of. ever.

Before he came, I read and read and reread your notes, trying to draw some bravery from them. I think I must have soaked up a little of it, because I told him some things mister john, some things that I wouldn’t have had you not helped me with finding the words. </333 perhaps next time it won’t be so hard and I can tell him some more….

today I am happy, so so happy and I owe some of that to you. You’re very good to me, you know, and I am in awe of some of the things you say, of some of the courage that you lend me. thank you <3 for helping me find some of my voice.

🙂 <3 Do you enjoy driving your car? It seems quite treacherous, all of those other people on the road. Have you driven for your whole life, then? When you spoke of the gentleman in the dungeon I pictured The Once and Future King. Have you read it?

I have another question for you, when you are ready. It is about feminine things so I don’t know if you’ll have an answer… but I’m hoping that you do

how can you tell if your with child? the last few days I’ve been having horrible aches in that organ…and my upper parts feel so heavy and tender. Does it sound likley? Why is this happening? Is this because my body sensed Baiardo the other day and its calling for him? Or could it be from….something else…

I tried to tell Baiardo about the aches but he wouldn’t answer me, he just ran his hands over his face walked away. Could I be correct, then? I’ve only had cycles twice in my life and not for many years now.

oh…… thanks for putting my head right about that last bit. How do people know then, when they are pregnant and it is early? Can someone who doesn’t have cycles become impaired with that condition at all?

I don’t know, that way of living is quite normal from what I have seen of other families we associate with, perhaps it is just different here, much much different it sounds. You didn’t have anyone to look after you as a child? What about when your guardians were occupied? Didn’t you get nannied even then?

I haven’t ever been around children before, but I have a distaste for them. I can see why parents give them away to others for raising. I’m trying to wrap my mind around what you said about entertainment being the kids. That will take some getting used to, all of that bit really.

I didn’t know what day it was until you called attention to it. They all just blend together for me, but I suppose out there in the world you must keep track. Enjoy your resting days (unless you have already retired). Perhaps you will go grocery shopping and find some delicious samples, that sounds like a capitol idea 😉

will you go over to prosebox sir? I have been on there for quite some time now and find it enjoyable. If you go over, I am still I am Icarus and I implore you to discover me again. I have many questions about “meaty wonders” for you, but I am still pretty embarrassed by the conversation and so will ask you in little pieces. Eventually. :p

mnnn a younger sibling eh? Were you glad to be the elder? I have always been quite happy being the baby. Although, I do wish that I had a brother or two, as having a sister is quite the pain. Have any horses ever been owned by you? One day I am fairly certain that you may see my writings as a book. I have asked my father to publish pieces of my journal after my death. He has agreed.

and do men look as different as women do? Nipples and all? I’ve only seen that….tool….once before and didn’t get much of a good look at all.

I messaged you 🙂 I do hope that you write me, as I have grown fond of you. mmnn I suspect that you are right about my father reneging, but then again, he has never broken his word to me yet. Perhaps he will do it though, as I will not be around to bear witness either way. But a girl can dream.

incase you failed to receive the message, my US contact is G3NEVIEV3@gmail.com

can someone be too small for coupling?