Enchanting college coed dealt a cruel blow

Recently I have befriended a young adult teen woman who acquired herpes while using condoms with her first-ever sex partner.  She has caused me to attempt to put myself in her shoes so many times and in so many ways.  That as she probably imagines such a fate to be far more befitting of me, given all she can read at this diary.  I make such a considerate attempt at trying to guess at the emotional impact of her diagnosis of a year ago, and yet I know that I cannot begin to guess correctly at its magnitude.

This week the young woman mentions having just had sex with a second casual partner to whom she did not make the responsible disclosure of her having herpes.  While I know the ideals as much as anyone, I still wish to be so very considerate of the fragile soul within her rather than condemn her as quickly as many will opt to do.  No doubt there will be handfuls of people who read this entry who can directly relate to the woman having herpes, and perhaps they’ll be able to relate as well to the impulse that is to see oneself as being socially disfigured by the diagnosis.

The young woman has been exceptional to encounter as she has taken good care to offer considerable candor as I try to dissect and understand the true impact of what she has experienced.  She admits to an element of heightened will for sexual risk of her own, given the self-perception that she is afflicted with something that is socially insurmountable.

I find myself elated for more reasons than one that the woman in question is considerably attractive, for I can easily discern that her casual feminine beauty will forever afford her many interested suitors, well beyond the numbers needed to ensure long-term companionship for someone dealt such a sobering blow so innocently and while so young.

For her having grown up in an area which puts a premium on store-bought physical beauty, the young college sophomore probably doesn’t quite grasp her own considerable natural appeal.  She’s a fun combination of a confidently un-made-up young face, thick tresses that make me long for 1970’s porn, and mature feminine curves which just make me want to breed.  Imagine all of that combined into someone with the instincts that have her exercising the therapeutic need for fessing-up anonymously here at O.D. about her new life with herpes.

There may be a whole lot in common between me and this young woman, at least as far as Open Diary goes, as she is utilizing this anonymous forum to express herself outwardly about things relating to her sexuality.  I do think there is a ‘switch’ of some sort, within her, that has recently been stuck in the ‘on’ position, with some kind of a tangent to a pronounced interest in expressing herself sexually, whether with real-life males her age or via her internet web camera.

Full disclosure:  I have been fully enchanted by the idea that the alluring miss might share with me some of those webcam displays.  While her physical form would be plenty enough to woo me, I can only imagine the vibe I would get from someone who could combine her candor about her deepest feelings with an opportunity to view her intimate physical self.  She has been so honest, and seldom holds back the answers to sincere questions about her feelings and emotional outlook.  I really love, also, the fact that this is someone well practiced in the use of therapy as an important avenue of personal expression.

I’m not sure if she recognizes her ample physical appeal to the same extreme I can see, and I’m not sure that she has a full handle on what is still a high probability that she will mate well and mate for life in due time.

While I’m fairly confident that somehow her impulsive sexual expression is perhaps taking something away from her in the present, I just can’t quite put my finger on just what that IS, and I certainly can’t justify imploring her to cease.  I am well aware that despite her having herpes, she could still expose herself to even greater risks when having sex with casual partners, her motivated in part by a perception that the next plateau of sexual ruination isn’t that much different than where she feels she is at.

It is at times like this when I consider even more than usual the indisputable "valuation" that society places on a woman’s sexuality, considering as well the idea that a woman is and should be free to wield it as she sees fit, in many ways merely to get what she wants.  I really wish I knew even greater detail about this young college woman’s upbringing, specifically relating to just what experiences inspired her to have experimented with therapy many years ago.  She confided about naked webcam displays perhaps dating back before she was diagnosed with herpes.  I don’t yet fully understand, or connect the dots, with regard to her seeming interest in gaining validation from males that way.

She does seem to feel that those males at or near to her own age are her central interest both when naked on her webcam and when dating in real life, so I don’t get the sense that a lacking "father figure" is as prominent as it could be to her exercises in personal expression.

One would be quite foolish to perceive that most working prostitutes don’t have STD’s of various types, and herpes in particular.  I have on many occasions reasoned to myself that were I to suddenly be diagnosed with genital herpes, I would further recognize the risk/reward considerations which got me there, and then accept the consequences of my actions.  I would be foolish to sit here and try to get anyone to believe that I would cease to have sex from that point forward, or that I would develop the habit of informing up front any potential sex partner.  I don’t know that I wouldn’t do those things, just that it would be crazy for others to believe the keeper of this diary if he said that he would do them.

A wiser man would have all of the answers and the methods as to why and how to inspire the young college coed with the open mind against the reflexive impulses she may be following when basically experimenting further with her sexuality.  The logical person in me says she is wholly deserving of the same opportunities for self-expression known to most others, and I just can’t, and won’t think she should be denied in that way.

I don’t think it is productive or sensible to try to shame her into some order of compliance with everybody else’s sense of morality, and I need to recognize the considerable value I place on her will for expressing herself authentically both at OD and in direct, real-time conversation.  I would do so much to somehow gain an accurate measure of just what is driving her from deep within.  The degree of soul-baring required to allow such an exercise is far more sexy to me than would be the combination of vulnerability and boldness on a face framed by lush curls and adorning a nude female form that rates considerably high marks from statistical purists.

<span style="fo

nt-size: small”>*** Edit:   Something which should be recognized here, with clarity, is that the genuine young woman, who was a virgin until college, simply didn’t do anything ‘wrong’  in terms of excessive risk-taking when merely having "protected"  sex with her first-ever partner.  This isn’t a case of, say, a sixteen-year-old taking a chance in having sex without a condom, and falling pregnant.  She just…  evolved and reacted naturally to the new taste of independence felt by most who go off to college… and she merely expressed herself and her sexuality in ways very nor-mal for new college students.  I feel so much compassion for her.

While I can understand that some might imagine the stereotypical John to have regressed considerably in the areas of objectifying and mistreating women to his own personal detriment, I just don’t sense too much of that in myself.  Furthermore, I am also a realist where it concerns the unlikely chance that I might really be eligible for the would-be future romance which some have in mind when they perceive the customers of prostitutes doing themselves and their futures any sort of harm along the way.

I wonder if the young woman knows a parallel to my feeling of  "I deserve to know feelings and experiences as near as I can get to that which I see as ideal, and if this is the only means through which I can attain such feelings in the near-term future, then I want to indulge just to be as near as I can presently get, to what I’d really prefer".  Chief among the concerns is just what the near-term indulgence might do to one’s long-term future.  Perhaps a vast difference between her and I is just how much "future" we should each logically plan for our respective selves, as well as the vast probability that a woman of her outer appeal will be socially sought-after for decades to come.

I hope to further explore her personal dynamics over the coming weeks or months, and I’d be lying if I said that the personal touch conveyed by that wouldn’t be made especially enchanting by the longed-for opportunity to witness her physical charms online.

This has been the long overdue mindset of your John.