A Letter for You

Dear Dustin,
I just wanted to take this moment to tell you how much I love you. It is not expressed often enough how much I adore you and appreciate all the things you do for me, as well as the myriad of things you’ve done in the past. You are so special to me, and as adept as I am with words, you would think I’d write more to express these things that I usually keep inside.

Since we’ve reunited, I have felt nothing but pure happiness. After all this time, and all of the crazy things that have happened, you still look at me with warmth and love. For that alone, I am grateful. You have the forbearance of a saint, and a heart of pure golden kindness to match. I am blessed to know you, let alone have the opportunity to call you my own.

It has been nearly eight years since we first dated, and through all of these years, I’ve been able to watch you grow from an awkward, tenderhearted, headstrong, and understated boy, to a confident, impassioned, protective, and strong-hearted man. And the older we become, the deeper and stronger our love becomes.

I appreciate everything you do for me, even though I don’t verbalize it as often as I should. Everything from buying dinner, to holding my hand as we walk through the store, to cuddling up next to me in bed, to holding open a door for me. You are, and always have been, a gentleman; treating me with the utmost respect and courtesy. Even when I sometimes don’t deserve it.

Contrary to what you think, as well as my initial reaction, I love it when you buy me flowers. And hug me from behind. And hold my hand in public. It seems to upset me sometimes because, even now, I’m not sure how to react to the tidal wave of feelings that assault me when you do these things. But I’m working on it.

This letter is clumsy, but it is heartfelt. And I know that my talk of the future makes you uneasy sometimes. I feel like that reaction is a little bit of distrust, anxiousness, and fear — and that’s OK. I know where it stems from. But I can’t help it because I am so excited to experience the future with you. I have never been able to picture walking down to aisle to anyone but you, and I know that when I (hopefully) get the chance to do so, I will be so thankful, and there will be a ridiculous amount of love and joy in my veins.

Because it has always been you, even when my actions have indicated otherwise. Sometimes I’m just such a stubborn blockhead that it takes me awhile to realize I am running away. I never run away because it feels wrong; I run away because I am afraid. And I know that you know me well enough to realize that.

Well, I’m not running anymore. Learning to be at peace with myself and my emotions, and going through long periods of tumult and emotion-vomiting, have taught me that love like ours is rare. I am lucky that you are the person you are; someone more faint-hearted would have disappeared long ago. But I think that, somewhere in you, you know that this is IT.

I love your eyes, even though you seem to think that they’re ordinary. I love your soft smile, your big, protective hands, your warm expression whenever we’re together. I love your strong heart, your understated intelligence, your quirky sense of humor. I love that we can laugh about poop humor together, and then, in the next breath, have a serious discussion about ethics, or world issues. I love that you have respect for me, and I know that stems from both your love and admiration. I love that we could see each other every minute of the day, and even if we would get short with each other, we’d still enjoy being together more than being apart. I love that I can listen to other people complain about their relationships, and know that we don’t have that problem, because, we respect and love each other enough to (most times) do what is best for each other as well as ourselves. I love that we can be silly together. I love that you make a special effort to talk to me, to listen to me, even if it’s just over a text message.
 

You are part of the reason that I didn’t get swallowed by depression and suicide attempts in my early years. You are the reason I have developed my intelligence and personality to take a more mild and thoughtful approach to life. You are the reason I have confidence in myself and can accomplish more than I think I can. You are my rock, and though I could live without you, it’s miserable and I hate it, so I would prefer not to. You are all that I could ever ask for, and probably more than I deserve, but I love you because of that, I don’t resent you for it.

Especially in the last year, I have seen you blossom and transform into an even stronger version of yourself. I don’t say it enough, but I love you. You’re handsome and funny and intelligent and thoughtful. I respect you, I adore you, I support you in everything that you do. I want to stand beside you and conquer our little slice of the world. I want to breathe in life and joy and love with you.

I want to say these things more because these are the things I think and don’t say. Perhaps it’s because I’m still scared of somehow being rejected (though obviously that’s silly). Perhaps it’s because I don’t want to sound corny or cheesy. Perhaps it’s because I’m still unable to properly deal with my emotions. But I’m going to try. Because if ever a person did deserve it, it is you, my love.

I was going to save this letter for a special occasion, but why? What better time than the present?
I love you, dear.

Love,
Amanda