Silent and Still

So, I did text him Happy Birthday and he didn’t respond, which I expected. Foresight didn’t help the emotional black hole I fell into afterward.
Then I dreamed about him exclusively, which hasn’t happened in a while.
Today is really hard. I wanted to drown in a self-pity pool but I firmly told myself no.

I hope his birthday is a good one.
For the first time, his happiness is all that matters to me.
Yeah, I’m still going to follow through with my plans, but I embrace my fate either way.
It’s not about me anymore. It’s about him, what he wants, what he feels, and what he needs.
Only he can be the one who makes a decision based off of those things.

I kinda just have to deal with the aftermath either way.

And I’m not going to lie.
I’m terrified. I’m vulnerable. And I’m hurting.
I don’t want to live my life without him in it.
It just feels so wrong.
But, I have no control over that.
And for once, I’m not going to try and manipulate him or the outcome.

Honestly, my birthday is in four days.
And I expect no acknowledgment of that.
I’m just afraid of what that will do to me emotionally.

I don’t really expect anyone to understand.
Very little of the people I know have spent that many years with someone.

I’ve changed so much already in a few short months.
I pay attention to my emotions now; I don’t try to run away from them, and I embrace them.
I am humble, I am grateful, and I cherish little moments.
I’m learning patience and what alone feels like.
I am facing my "addictions" and "problems" and I’m actively working on them.
I am moderating, reforming, and reevaluating EVERYTHING.
I am building character and strength.

I am becoming a completely different person,
activating my potential, taking the difficult road, and re-evaluating my priorities.

But at this point, I know I need to snap out of my mindset.
That painful tidal wave last night was a reminder that I need to stop depending on him.
I feel like I’m fighting for his approval, his love, and his unwavering support.
But I am living vicariously through him and reminders of our past and it’s so not OK.
I want him if he’ll have me (not holding my breath), but I can’t keep depending on him and our memories as a comfort.
Jesus Christ, this is all so difficult, but I know it’ll be worth it in the end.

I’m not even really sure there IS a "correct’ way to do all of this — but I do know the best way for me.
And that’s by focusing on, nurturing, and promoting myself.

Now I know what I need to do. I need to be silent, still, and patient. For awhile.

"Time reveals things!" I exploded some night in December during one of our many fights. "But you can’t rush it! Sometimes you find things out later than you’d hoped. Sometimes you don’t figure things out til other things happens. Time is a force outside your control!"

Yep.

*

Frankly, I am also tired of other people telling me what I need to do.
You aren’t me. You don’t know what I battle day in and day out. You didn’t experience the relationship with him that I did. You don’t know what I truly feel, think, or do on a regular basis. You have no idea which impulses I check or what that costs me.
And no, I’m not looking for pity. Nor advice. No matter how well-meaning it is.

You can’t tell someone how to grieve.
Feel free to disagree with the way I’m doing things, but it’s my life, and I’m doing what’s best for me.
Support me and my decisions anyway, out of love, or just be quiet and focus on your own battles.
Don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Anyway,
that’s enough for now.
I can sense a black cloud in my atmosphere today, and I need to go do productive things.

Love,
Amanda