This Is Rock Bottom

***WARNING:
You may become extremely angry/emotionally volatile while reading this.
Proceed with caution. Seriously.

There is a reason I am so focused on the past.
Because, you see, when you live through things, you don’t catch everything.
Immediate perception is as fallible as the human utilizing it.
Thus why keeping a diary has always been valuable to me; writing is a healthy way to cope, and this place is a great way to analyze my past actions/feelings/motivations.
To do a second "run-through" if you will, to catch anything I missed, in order to avoid the same pitfalls.
Trying to "get ahead of the game" or something.
Especially if there is something gnawing at me; if I can go back through my writings and figure out my frame of mind at the time, it usually helps me along to an epiphany.

Colin asked me last night if I resented him.
I tried to say no.
But then it kept eating at me, so..

I just read through November.
Mustered up ye olde courage and took the plunge.
Almost immediately I started feeling hysterical.
The entire entry "Crystaline" for one – I almost lost it completely reading that one.

I want to get angry.
Really really angry.
But I can’t.
Because it is my fault.
I want to say that I will never trust a man again.
Because every single one of them in my life have fucked me over by trying to manipulate me into falling into their arms.

But guess what?
Every single time, I fell for it. I fell hard and fast and didn’t care. Played right into their greedy fucking hands.
I don’t know if this is a self-control thing (or should I just whine about being "addicted"?) but it feels like it.
I failed my own test and I have only myself to blame.

You know, if I were in Dustin’s shoes, I think I would have legitimately strangled me.
Chirping along about how "don’t worry, you can trust me", "i wont let you down", "i wont lose myself, silly",
and he trusted me, probably begrudgingly, but the motherfucker did it.
And what did I do? For the upteenth time?
"Oh, do you see your heart and your trust right here? I’m about to fuck you over."
SMASH.
Oh look, cast aside again because Miss Amanda cannot make up her motherfucking goddamn mind.

Because this is the problem.
It’s NEVER a different story!
It’s the same story, again and again and again!
And every time, for the last 10 fucking years, I’ve made him sit there and watch me make the same mistakes.
And he couldn’t do anything about it except walk away.
Except every time he tried, I manipulated him into staying with my amazing powers of "look, i’m so pretty. and you love me, you know you do,"

THAT is real love, even if it is intermingled with his own self-destruction.

And to be honest?
I am gaining clarity.
Sorry if it hurts to read this, but it hurts a lot too to understand the extent of how I was manipulated.
I feel insulted, sick to my fucking stomach, at how easy it all was.
Even after I spent over a year working on myself … just like that, I drop everything to come ‘fix" someone else.
And leave everything else behind; worry about it later; that’s tomorrow’s problem.

It makes me even sicker to know that I manipulated MYSELF into believing my own fucked up warped piece-of-shit stories.
Enough that I would turn my life UPSIDE DOWN.

I don’t want to say it was for Colin… because I still hold true to the fact that it was not how I felt about Colin, but instead my chagrin at the idea of my feelings evolving and changing yet again. "Being Tempted" again. THAT is why I couldn’t try with Dustin. Because how could I?
It’s not enough to see the temptation and avoid it (which I failed at anyways) — but there has to be clarity about why the temptation is a temptation in the first place!

The clarity may very well be love addiction — I’m not entirely sure yet, but I WILL figure it out.

Because
I make myself fucking sick.

No wonder Colin can’t trust me around single guys.
Because I can’t be trusted! How the fuck can I be trusted!
"Well I’m different now," I say softly to him. "I would never cheat again."
And I want to believe that — Hell, I DO believe that.
I will never cheat again.
But then again, I said that too after Brandon and  — lmao — you can see how that unfurled.

I’m on the edge of a complete emotional collapse.
I resent Colin for playing me like a damn fool, I really do.
And I resent all the other males in my life that have done the same.
And I’m angry with myself for falling victim.
I’m angry at myself for turning one of the most important people in my life against me,
to the point where he will never, ever come back.
AND I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD.
And I am angry at God, for not giving me the foresight, or the strength, to avoid this catastrophe all together.

And yet — everything happens for a reason.
Things played out the way they did for a reason.
Obviously it was, to some extent, to SHOW me how sick I was…
and how far away from God I truly was.
How I was looking for happiness and contentment and peace in all the wrong places — namely another person.
How love is something to be cherished while you have it, not something to be mourned after you’ve lost it.
And furthermore, love cannot be gained unless you send it out first.

And this is some shit,
I truly feel like I have hit rock fucking bottom.
I am blown away by how …. ignorantly, blindly, I acted — chasing a feeling though they are elusive — even while I thought I was chasing the light, clarity.
Just… fucking fuck.

Dear Life,
Time to straighten you out.
And Christ, I hope that I can regain myself, because the devil has swallowed me completely.

peace fucking out and goodnight.