On God and Spirtuality

This morning I decided that my real problem is that I’m pissed off at God.
Yup, you heard me right.

I do need help — His help.
It’s selfish of me to wail that I’m alone when I have the Big Guy looking out for me, as well as the fact that I always have a friend in myself.

The problem is that I feel like He abandoned me.
And I’m angry with Him.
I’m not sure entirely how to reconcile that, but I am sure with time and a bit of elbow grease, I will.

Because I remember a phrase my Pastor said when I was in catechism,
"God always hears us, and He answers us in one of three ways. Yes, No, or He gives us something better."

I think I need a spiritual reawakening of some kind, because I’ve lived so long drowning in my fucking pride.
‘I can do everything on my own. I’m smart and resourceful and strong. I don’t need anyone or anything.’
Not to mention, I’ve spent so many years being ungrateful. For everything.

And I’m a big believer that you receive what you put out into the world.
If you treat the world as you would garbage, it will be wrathful in kind.
It is time I start to acting in acknowledgment of that fact.

It’s just strange, because today I started to make sense of spiritual things.
Through Nature especially, I feel so connected to something greater and bigger than myself.
And to be honest, I held the world and then I spit in God’s face (by being ungrateful, selfish, and ruled by pride) and so my fall is more painful than necessary.
But everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that, deep down.

Things do tend to go smoother, easier when you give up trying to control everything,
and just accept instead that some things are senseless.
Perhaps I will one day achieve all that my heart desires, but I know this: I cannot do it alone.

I think that, in order to receive (step one) and appreciate (step two) love, one must first love themselves (and God/Higher Power/whatever).
Operating out of hate and anger will bring you just that — ahh, the boomerang effect. Seriously.

In any case,
I am tired. I have accomplished much today.
And philosophy is hard when your brain feels clogged with negative emotions.

I am happier though, and the road is getting even clearer and easier to walk upon.

Wish me luck and love on my journey.

NOTE:
I am merely stating that I believe in God and his Love and powers of true healing…..
however, "christianity" and "church"? that will probably take me quite some time to figure out where I stand on those issues.

Love,
Amanda

PS. Dear the band "Red",
I think I know why I was so obsessed with you for the past month and a half. Because it was a sign……..maybe.
Love,
Me