Screeching Halt
I really don’t know what changed over the last few days.
I do believe that I have found my misplaced backbone.
Maybe I’m just being petulant or stubborn or something…but no, fuck thinking like that.
I’m exploring my feelings, and if anyone has a problem with it, they can go fuck a post.
My mom was aghast the other day when I said, all smug, that I had processed everything in regard to Dustin.
"It’s only been three months, Amanda," she said matter-of-factly.
I waved her off with a laugh, and then the last two or three days punched me in the face to remind me that pride goeth before a fall.
Dude, it HAS only been three months.
Three months IS NOT enough time to process seven years of dependence and love and strife and everything in between.
No matter which way you paint it, it was a swift kick in the heart when he couldn’t understand why I needed to extricate myself from him and "be alone" and fix whatever was broken within me.
He had every motherfucking right to throw up his hands and state he was done and no, he wouldn’t come back this time, but it doesn’t mean that my heart didn’t wobble off the proverbial shelf and shatter unceremoniously on the concrete floor.
I just found out that I’ve spent three months living in denial….. and I refuse to any longer.
I am allowed to grieve. I lost not only my boyfriend, but also my best fucking friend.
And along the way? I lost my fucking self too.
So, my broken whispers that I was alone should be the furthest thing from a surprise.
Because when you don’t even have you? You ARE alone. You have NOTHING.
That’s why I felt alone months before that too.
Like in October and November. Even before Colin complicated my existence.
Because Dustin was wrong for once.
I wasn’t in danger of losing myself when Colin came around;
you can’t lose what is already lost!
I was an empty fucking shell with a cold heart and a dormant soul for months.
That may be harsh but it’s the fucking truth.
Yeah, I’m surviving right now.
But it’s a fucking miracle that I didn’t attempt to kill myself that one night.
Or do anything drastic, like start using hardcore drugs, or drink myself to death, or join a cult.
Because I have weathered some SHIT.
The only thing I’m guilty of is taking the easy route — again.
I’m doing nothing right now but spinning my wheels.
And until I start being honest with myself? I will keep doing just that.
Tomorrow I’m going to give Kari a three week notice, and my agreement to work Mother’s Day.
That’s all they’re getting from me.
It’s time that I start being fucking financially responsible instead of trying to pander to people’s feelings.
I let an opportunity slip away today and I will not do so again.
End of story.
After I get myself a job that pays the bills, I am going to start changing my habits.
Enough carrying on and whining that "everything is too hard right now".
Life is hard, motherfucker.
And your habits are what make you.
And after I do that?
I will begin making amends to people who I’ve hurt by being a selfish prick for the last dozen years.
Love addicted, yeah, whatever, hardly an excuse to destroy countless people.
I can only hope that the people who love me will forgive me my transgressions, if nothing else.
And to understand that I absolutely refuse to be guilt-tripped, rushed, manipulated, or brainwashed.
I know who I am. Only I truly know who I am, inside and out.
And I know what I am capable of — only I have seen and remember the carnage I’ve left in my wake.
And I, and only I, can find the correct path to take in order to achieve the life-overhaul that I am attempting.
I’m fragile as fuck, every second of every motherfucking day, but I will show you titanium and steel.
Because I know I’m weak, but there’s no reason to be on display.
And I will fight for what I want, always.
Because maybe trust has to be earned, but I always give mine freely.
If it is thrown back in my face, it’s a test of my strength and endurance.
And if it is kept and sheltered? I have a reason to feel a sense of joy and new connection.
No one can ever convince me that I am wrong about that.
Not anymore.
And I always instinctively know who to trust and who to distrust.
Intuition should never, ever be ignored.
I feel like there is a lit firecracker in my bloodstream,
and I’m gonna roll with it, because, fighting the current is always futility…
and I do believe I’d like to stop looking foolish now.
Love,
Amanda
PS. Acceptance is key, indeed.
But the only thing that I accept right now is that I’m not trying hard enough yet.
The rest will all come in time.