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Dear Dustin,
I really really want to talk to you. Text you. Tell you that I’m sorry…that I love you, and always will.
That I’m getting better.
I have this thing called a "love addiction".
I know, the terminology is stupid as hell.
BUT…it’s a real thing, and it…fits me.
Everything is starting to come together and make sense.
I wish I could text you or message you about it, but it isn’t wise.
I am getting better.
Slowly but surely.
I hope you can sense this somehow and send well wishes my way and be…proud of me.
I want to make you proud of me for once instead of ashamed. Instead of…angry, or sad.
I want you to be proud of me and happy for me and… just love me, purely and simply, as you always did.
I know that if it was real, even now you would still love me.
I hope that you do, no matter what happens to either of us in this life.
I realized today how much of your life-force I sucked out of you.
How wrong I was…so many times.
How cold and thoughtless and uncaring I was.
But I was sick… not that it’s a great excuse.
I WAS sick though…I don’t think that, even if I had wanted to (and I believe that I did), I could have given you the true support and love that you needed.
Not then.
Only now would I be able to give it in small increments.
In time it will increase.
But my life is moving in a different direction.
And being only 3 months away from you, it’s hard to tell if what I feel for you is the kind that cannot be duplicated,
or if it is addiction and attachment and dependency.
If we ever did have yet another chance at this (and I don’t even know if that’s the right course of action for either of us, or if it’s even meant to be),
I would want it to be when I was thoroughly sure that I could never hurt you again the way that I have.
I miss you terribly sometimes, but I’ve come to accept that we may never see each other again…may never share the closeness that we used to.
And that’s OK.
Because everything happens for a reason.
I deactivated my Facebook a couple days ago.
I did it because I’m sick of the drama and etc,
but the part I haven’t admitted to anyone but my mom?
I mostly did it because I spent too much time creeping on your profile, looking for a crack in your composure that I could slip through.
Because I don’t want to let you go, even though I have to.
And I have to let you go fully… not just physically, but also emotionally.
I can’t obsess about your status updates, whether or not you’re OK, if you look different, if you still smell the same …. if you can still smile at me with that soft, loving smile that made my insides turn to jelly all the time.
It’s not good for me.
I hope you are OK though….actually, I’m sure you are.
You are absolutely the strongest person I have ever met.
You will find your happiness. Maybe that involves me, maybe it doesn’t.
We shall see.
Everything…everything…EVERYTHING… happens for a reason.
Love and well wishes sent out to you almost hourly.
Love always.
Amanda Katherine Marquardt