deserving
There is a reason I tend to live in the past.
Especially when the last few months have been a living hell.
No matter where I go, I am a fucking burden.
It’s humiliating to have to move back in with my parents, even though I know they love me and don’t hold it against me.
And it hurts to have every one of your dreams smashed at your feet.
It hurts to have the person who loved you the most hate your fucking guts.
It really sucks when a lot of days are ones in which you have to make some sort of sacrifice or compromise "for the greater good".
I don’t even want pity, I want understanding. Comprehension.
I want people to be there to be supportive when I don’t feel like I can fucking stand up anymore.
Like yesterday, when I got that text from like 6 different coworkers wondering if I could open today,
and I was so fucking close to just exploding, snapping, whatever you want to call it.
Because
I haven’t missed a shift in 3 fucking years.
Maybe I’m just turning into an arrogant fuck,
and that’s why I definitely need to leave that building. For good.
I am tired of helping with everyone else’s problems and having no one to help with mine.
Listening to people prattle on and on about things that are oftentimes inane,
while I am struggling to keep my head above a current that is determined to drown me.
Maybe that makes me sound like a heartless person, but FUCK,
if RIGHT NOW isn’t a time where I deserve to have someone listen to my problems,
to wrap their arms around me while I fall apart,
to hold me up because I am too weak to stand,
to give me some latitude for being a bag of emotional shit,
then I don’t know when I DO deserve it!
I keep tricking myself into thinking that I’m an asshole for wanting those things.
But you know what? I’m not.
Any human being in my situation would feel the exact same way as I do, if not worse.
So fuck that.
And I will keep my chin up, and I will carry on,
and sometimes I will privately explode into little pieces.
But most of all, I know one thing for sure…
I am in this alone, and no amount of pretty goddamn words is going to change that.
<3.Amanda
"So Far Away" – Red
I am right here with you
I couldn’t be more close
Pretending that I’m in this moment,
When I’m only a ghost
I listen to the words you’re saying
Words I’m fighting to believe
It’s like I’m living from a distance
When you’re out of reach
I wanna feel it,
When I mean it,
When I say it,
Can you hear me at all?
And I feel so far away, far away from everything
Outside wondering when I got lost
I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear
How can your love be so close
When I’m so far away?
Remember when you found me drowning
You pulled me from the deepest end
I promised that I’ll never leave you
Now I’m drowning again
It’s killing me with every breath
Witnessing the life I lived
Only you know who I am
I’m reaching out my hand
I wanna feel it,
When I mean it,
When I say it,
Can you hear me at all?
And I feel so far away, far away from everything
Outside wondering when I got lost
I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear?
How can your love be so close,
When I’m so far away?
I’m so far away [x5]
Yeeeah yeeeeah
And I don’t wanna waste time
Living a half-life
Are you listening?
Now give it back to me!
I remember everything
The way it used to be.
Yeah give it back to me
Yeah give it back to me
I hear your voice
But inside I’m lost.
And I feel so far away, far away from everything
Outside wondering when I got lost
I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear
How can your love be so close,
When I’m so far away?
I’m so far away
I’m so far away