who i am, seriously
I feel like I need to stop writing… or do I?
It is clearing my head marvelously.
Work was a joke today; I made more pizzas than usual but spent a lot of time staring at the clock.
I had the intention of showing the world that I can be happy and carefree even when things are going to shit, but I am a terrible liar and thus my moods show through.
Kari asked how everything was and I told her "well" and she looked at me and asked if I was lying and I just stared back and smiled a little, and she said, "You’re lying" and walked away, then started singing some song outrageously.
Steve walked by me around 6 o’clock while I was wiping down the prep table and said, "Amanda, why do you look so sad today?" and I turned my eyes to his face and shrugged and said, "I don’t?" and he said, "Bullshit!" and I said, "Hungover, tired…I guess."
Later I walked behind the line to check some tickets and Steve looked at me again and said, "You need to fucking smile or something!" and so I flashed one and he said, "That was fake as hell" and then when I went to walk away he stood in my path until I laughed.
I never knew I was so transparent.
It’s not that I was sad or even in a bad mood, I don’t know, I was just considering everything and taking a step back and trying to suck back into myself. My exterior has cracked, letting all of my internal bullshit leak out and it is so, so not OK. So screw that, I don’t need my coworkers thinking I’m falling apart, even if I am. I need to keep it together, if not to soothe myself, then at least to soothe others around me.
Essentially my earlier entry involved an epiphany;
most of my emotions will no longer be visible on the surface.
I’m not doing it to hurt anyone, I am doing it because it is the only way I can regain some sort of balance.
I’ve been an emotional pile of shit for months now, and I’m fucking tired of it.
It isn’t who I am at all.
I feel like I have been pushing myself to be this person I’m just not.
Who am I?
My name is Amanda. I don’t show emotions easily because they make me feel vulnerable.
And I hate being vulnerable, because every time I am, I get fucking hurt. No exceptions.
I dislike PDA, kissing for long periods of time, and sex that lasts more than 10 minutes.
I don’t give compliments often, and when someone tells me they love me, I want to run from the room.
I enjoy playing video games, reading, and driving aimlessly for hours.
I don’t exercise because I don’t feel the need to.
When I’m pissed off I get sarcastic and mock the other person. If you can withstand that, you have the patience required to be around me.
That being said, I am always impatient, and I am always looking for instant gratification.
When I’m upset, I like to trap the person I’m upset with in my car and drive until we talk all the way through it.
I have no fight response, only flight….especially when I’m uncomfortable or restless.
I dislike talking on the phone, and people who cannot conduct themselves appropriately in public.
I have been called emotionless, cold-hearted, selfish, indecisive, and stubborn to a fault …. all for good reason.
My philosophy tends to be "do now, think later".
Once my mind is made up about something, it is futile to try to change it.
But I WILL probably change it 3 million times.
I am difficult, unreasonable, and petulant when things don’t go exactly the way I want them to.
I exhaust myself raging about things I cannot change, and I shy away from the effort required for things I can change.
I NEVER "go with the flow". And I don’t know how to relax.
I tend to be a martyr, slip easily into codependency, and I’m too goddamn passive.
Unless properly provoked, in which case I lash out with the express purpose of destroying the other person.
I jump back and forth between adventure and stability, because my desire for one or the other can change at the drop of a hat.
I always seem to think I know others better than they know themselves.
And, for fuck’s sake, I tend to freak out more when something is going good than when it is going bad. Because bad I can deal with, but good I feel undeserving of.
There’s more, but I don’t have all night to explain this.
It’s already quarter to four.
At the core, if you take my history into account, as well as my present, THAT is who I am, at least partially.
More of my bad side than my good but meh.
I know who I am. And sometimes I don’t always like it. And sometimes no one around me likes it either.
But it is what it is.
Yeah, I change some things….little by little, I have already changed some of that.
But I am exhausted. Simply exhausted. I don’t want to be aware anymore, I don’t want to fix anything anymore, I don’t want to change anything anymore, I don’t want to look at the fucking sun and smile anymore, and I don’t want to sulk in the dark anymore.
I just want to exist. And be at peace for five goddamn seconds.
With who I am. Who I was. And who I will be.
Maybe I don’t deserve the five seconds of peace—karma sure as hell doesn’t think so—but I am taking them anyway.
because I fear that, if I don’t, I will lose all of my will to live.
love
amanda