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Day Zero Project

Dear Dustin,
Sometimes, without you, I feel small and alone.
I brush everything off, putting those walls up around me.
Saying that I would have left you regardless, and that I wasn’t happy.
And you know what? I really wasn’t.

You had given up on all of your dreams…everything,
and so had I.
We were feeding off of each others’ negative energy.
I don’t think I could have snapped out of it.
No, we needed a deep separation.
Maybe I’ll see you again someday, perhaps not.
Who knows?

It’s nice to see that you’re working out,
finally trying to push yourself to a brighter tomorrow.
If that is the only good thing my leaving did, well then,
I am glad.
Because at least it’s something.

Colin and I fight a lot, and last week he said some things that cut deep.
About how I dwell in the past too much….and that "I fucking understand why that shit bothered Dustin".
I was ANGRY.
He doesn’t know you…he doesn’t know anything about you and me, or who we were, or what we went through.
Yeah, it did bother you….it would bother anyone.
But fuck all, you put your best face forward and just fucking dealt with it.
You didn’t blow up on me, you didn’t say horrible things to make me feel worthless…
you were understanding and compassionate. Because that’s just who you are as a person.

Sometimes I worry that I made a grave mistake.
But I know it needed to happen.
I know it in my heart.
And everything happens for a reason anyway so…
even if you have a hard time believing it.
Which I know you do.

I’ve been obsessed with "Behind Those Eyes"…..I know you played it for me that one day in December.
And it fits me perfectly.
You’re right.

I don’t like who I am.
That’s why I’m so hellbent on changing myself.

My back is strong though.
Living without you, in truth, for the first time…
Well it has been horrible. But so fucking good for me.

So good.

Love,
Amanda