a single step, a single day
Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say, things that matter, but I just can’t get them out.
Shame or fear, I can’t tell which it is. I will have to ponder it.
I am strong enough to lean on myself, yes? Yes.
My mom is not surprised that I blew through $1400 in a short amount of time,
"People tend to spend money when they do not feel settled or whole", she said,
but I am still outraged, and working on financial stability.
I will accomplish much.
I spent last night curled up on the Couch Where Things Go To Die with my Kindle,
and Jennie was studying on the other couch.
We even turned off the TV to cultivate quiet.
It was nice. Companionable silence.
For six hours we sat there.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
Because I know the best advice for
"How the fuck am I going to get through all of this?"
is "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other".
I want to write … part of the reason I am quitting school after this semester.
Yet doubt keeps rearing its ugly head. Am I good enough to do it? Strong enough?
Sometimes I don’t feel like it.
I just can’t bear the thought of anyone else pushing me to be the best version of myself that I can be.
Sometimes I look at all the people around me that keep pushing, and I know they are doing it out of belief in me, and love,
but I still want to throw my head back and scream, "STOP FUCKING PUSHING ON ME!"
Isn’t it enough to want to just….BE? Exist? Revel in the moment, even if it is not one of achievement or enlightenment?
I am tired of not feeling good enough.
I am tired of feeling like my decisions are being questioned.
I am tired of others filtering their wants and desires through me.
I cannot bear that burden.
So I lay my head down at night, and my eyes scan the glass door on the far end of the apartment, and I resolve to love, depend on, and accept myself. Because sometimes it seems like no one else wants to.
It is in the quiet of this apartment, this exact moment, that I know I can bear the weight of everything.
The whole world, even. Because I have been building my strength for so long.
But I don’t have to….and I don’t want to.
So I won’t.
I have earned the right to shuck the coils of responsibility for others.
I am not resentful, I am not angry, I am not depressed, and I am not buried in nostalgia.
I am being factual, allowing these emotions and thoughts to pass through me.
I have achieved the rational, calm state of mind I have been yearning for.
Burgeoning desires to embrace my potential, to capture all that I want in my arms and let it nestle inside my veins.
To let myself smile and laugh at work, making a complete fool out of myself and not caring one whit.
To have complete faith in myself that I am making the right decisions, and faith in the outside world that fate exists & everything happens for a reason.
I may not have it all figured out, I may not be the most rational person at times, and I may not be on the cusp of actually achieving anything,
but damn it,
I am who I am, and I will never apologize for that.
not ever.
Love,
Amanda
Edit –
I finally got around to doing a few tarot readings today. I suppose I havent because I am afraid to see; sometimes not knowing is better.
Which is slightly amusing simply because the 2 of Swords is continuing to plague me.
I consistently pull this card in a majority of my readings about myself. Usually not so much in my relationship readings. But in my self-oriented readings? All. The. Time.
This card is a warning….however, it has been popping up for somewhere around a year and evidently I have not yet found a way to dislodge it. I must find a way. I am tired of seeing it, tired of feeling oddly connected to it.
That’s all.