Acceptance and Inner-Peace

I’m sunburned, but only a little.

I still feel peaceful. I think I’ve finally come into acceptance. That things are the way they’re supposed to be, the way they’re meant to be, regardless of mistakes I wish I hadn’t made. Those mistakes made the little strip of sidewalk I travel a tiny bit more interesting. Maybe more confusing, maybe more painful or tedious, but more interesting. And it makes me a better person, more experienced and worldly, if nothing else.

If nothing else.

It’s easier to look to the future. After 5 months of tormenting myself with the past — No, scratch that…19 years of tormenting myself with the past — I feel like I am finally at a place where I can find peace in my surroundings, if not happiness. Where days at the beach with my best friend aren’t littered with self-consciousness and defensiveness. Where Dustin’s hand on my arm doesn’t make me itchy or wary. Where going into work is seen as an opportunity instead of a handicap. These things are this way because I have accepted my life as it is — and myself, the way I am right now, as being good enough. Not everything is roses, but a more positive outlook is welcome.

I’ve mentioned before that my self-critic is an asshole. Every step I take has a sardonic narration. Each choice is chalk full of doubt and self-deprecation. Not always, but often enough. I’ve recently learned to tell it to shut up by just existing in the moment. Soaking up the sensory information and balancing my emotions. I’m weird that way, but inner-peace, not perfection or being "good enough", has become my quest. I sometimes wonder if I’m a 9 instead of a 1.

Then again, there is a lot that still needs to be done. My Quit Soda campaign started with a little cheat and the little cheat has kept going. I intend to end that immediately, and it started today. I can resist the temptation — I know I can. Just like I can quit smoking. I just need to get more comfortable with myself, and my goals, and get in touch with my dual inner-sense of peace and motivation.

With that, I can do anything.

Love,
Amanda