What’s in a birthday

I’m trying really hard not to pay attention to the lives of other people — which is pretty difficult considering social media sites are all up in everyone’s business. I always get it in my head that everyone else is having a life-party, while I am a sad-cloud in the corner. I am a big believer in not comparing oneself to others, so I need to practice it. Their lives are probably also a ball of suck sometimes. In addition, I have food, clothing, shelter, Dustin, a healthy family, and some pretty awesome friends. So I should quit bitching and silently cheer due to the fact that my ever-painful Oral Comm. project is done.

In other news, my birthday was OK. It wasn’t great and fantastic and everything I thought it would be, but it was OK. Many people remembered, some people disappointingly did not, but that’s OK. I ended up crying, crushed under the sheer weight of "I left my phone at work, and now I have to go back". It felt good to cry and it quickly dried up, but I felt this longing in my chest to be wrapped in Dustin’s arms. However, I smothered all of these feelings and carried on with the rest of my day, instead of sitting with the feelings and sorting them out and being at peace anyway (as ZenHabits requests).

And Madilynn (Kari’s kid in every order except blood) got me a card that said, "Have a doggy day" and I had tears in my eyes, because she’s 10 and I’ve seen her twice and she’s taken a liking to me (which apparently is rare) and it was so nice. And everyone at work signed a card for me, the envelope addressed the card to "Panda" and several people wrote about me being a pizza queen, except Larry who wrote, "Holy shit! Happy birthday". It was really funny and sweet, and those are the things I should swamp myself in, not sad clouds and general unhappiness.

Did I forget to mention the ladies at work got me a pink crown befitting a six year old? I wore it long after the cheap plastic dug painfully into my scalp. I was thankful.

I am finally sparing very little thought for Brandon. It’s been almost 5 months since I cut him out of my life, and even longer since we last saw each other. I sent one Facebook message with no reply. It’s starting to hurt less, and my focus is being drawn outward, toward things of more importance. People who matter. People who were there more often than not. People who love me and unabashedly say so. People who want to protect me every ounce as much as I want to protect them. People who give a fuck.

I am finally starting to feel worthy. Not even that really…just… at peace with who I am and where I’m going and my choices and realizing the past is gone and cannot be altered, no matter how fervently I pray for its reversal. I am at peace with any and all of the horrible things I’ve done. I am at peace with the fact that I make my own destiny.

Sometimes figments of fear and doubt start to crowd my mind, and I sink into a puddle of apathy and depression. Thinking that I will fail at things. That I will be stuck in a cycle forever. Sometimes it takes a few days to break me out of that mindset, but eventually I come out. Eventually I return to optimism. Eventually I realize I make the chains around me and that I have the power to break through them — I just have to stop whining and push myself.

Well, I’ve rambled on to no end, so I will go now. I have some other things I need to do regardless.

Take care everybody.
Amanda