Hurricane Tears

Day Zero Project

It is Day 6 and I am still going strong. Not a single puff. Many desires but none fulfilled.

Although yesterday was tough.

Classes started yesterday, and even though mine are all online, it caused major stress. I’m on my 4th semester of college and my 3rd school, so I have to learn the online college platform all over again since this college’s platform is different than MATC’s. Just looking at all the deadlines, and also the ominous postings by instructors with thinly veiled threats of "if you miss one assignment YOU WILL FAIL", made me super emotional and stressed and cranky. Dustin was at my house and did his best to appease me by buying me a sub from Subway and rubbing circles on the back of my hand with his thumb.

I decided to go without a patch that day, because the area on which I put the new one puffed up and turned very pink. It was on the arm which has dozens of scars from hurting myself and I’m not sure if that had anything to do with it, but in any case, I removed the patch. I was so crabby all day, going from happy to angry to sad in the blink of an eye. Around 2 a.m., I got mad at Dustin for some inexplicable reason. He was trying so hard to figure it out with this sympathetic look on his face and I started laughing and he said, "What?" and just like that, my face crumpled and I started sobbing. For the first time in too many months, I actually cried.

He kneeled in front of the recliner and gathered me up in his arms and told me that he was proud of me and that he knows its hard but I’m doing so great. I sobbed for about 5 minutes and then the tears dissipated and I told him that I’ve been doing everything too fast. Last Tuesday I decided I was actually going to quit and then Thursday I did quit. This was only a month after my friendship with Brandon ended permanently, and less than a week before a new (somewhat stressful) semester started. He nodded and agreed but said I was doing great and I could get through it. I know I can but it felt good to break for a little while. And today, I have more determination than ever.

That being said, today I have to take a good look at what all needs to get accomplished semester-wise in the next week. I also have Dustin’s Xbox and Fable II awaiting me. AND I got my new phone (the HTC EVO Shift 4G) today.

Sigh. I just wish this was a smidgeon easier.

Love,
Amanda