NJM9: Amassed

Day Zero Project

Listening to "Midnight City" by M83. I am impressed beyond belief with this band. This song in particular almost has an 80’s feel to it (to my naive ears), but I lovelovelove the beat.
So yesterday was Tuesday. I was nervous all day, and it spiked when I was walking out of the classroom door to my car. The drive home was painful, memories and words running, no, sauntering, through my head. My heart felt like someone was clutching it desperately, there was a sinking feeling in my stomach, and my mouth was dry.
Brandon arrived at my house somewhere around 9:30, since he drove from his apartment. I made small talk about my cats when he walked into the room, looking exactly as I know him to look: baseball hat, nervous grin, sweatshirt zipped over a white t-shirt, jeans hanging off his hips, the nervous tick in his socked feet. His face was full of stubble; exactly how I know him to be. We walked into the kitchen and I made to sit in one of the chairs; he suggested we should go for a drive. So into his car we went, and we drove aimlessly.
The first 10 minutes were him recounting a story of his friend breaking his drive shaft somewhere around 4pm; I listened, just to hear his voice, just to laugh at the way he responds to situations in his sarcastic/upbeat way. Then I broke into the conversation without so much as a pre-amble.

Me: So…………………you kind of pushed me past my breaking point that Tuesday.
Him: Pushed you past your breaking point, huh?
Me: Yeah..I was kind of upset.
Him: Just a little…
Me:….like, I was so angry. Like, really angry…
Him: I know. Me too.
Me: And you logged off in the middle of our conversation…
Him: Yeah
Me: Which was kind of rude….
Him: Well I was kind of pissed off…
Me: But you shut down. That’s always the problem between you and I…
Him: My shutting down attitude IS sort of a problem
Me: But then again…my bitchiness is a problem too…
Him: Yup.
Me: And my Type 1 Personality came out on accident…you know, the whole "judging and criticizing" thing…
Him: Just gonna throw this out there, but that kind of makes people emotionally shut down a little bit.
Me: I know.

And along we went, and I smiled throughout the whole conversation, just because he makes me smile. But I didn’t let myself gloss over it, and I told him I was trying this new thing called "letting my feelings out". And I named the fact that he, while we were dating, showed me by example that feelings are not OK. He protested it, but it’s true. We were somewhere around Hwy 28 when I said:

Me: So…I finally know what keeps me coming back.
Him: My good looks?
Me: No.
Him: My charm?
Me: No!
Him: Oh come on, it’s my charm.
Me: You don’t have charm.
Him: I do so!
Me: Ok, but it’s only a means to an end.
Him: What "end"?
Me: Sex.
Him: Ok, fair enough.
Me: But anyway…it’s about validation.
Him: What?
Me: When I was with you, and even after, it was never ok to have feelings.
Him: Are you being serious?
Me: Yes…. but also it was the fact that you had no problem ignoring me. (pause) So, really, it’s about the fact that you don’t give me validation. But at the same time, the longer you hold out on giving me the validation, the harder I fight to get it. I try harder and harder and harder.
Him (smiling): Well, thanks for letting me know how to keep you around.
Me (eye-roll): Ha ha. But the thing is….that won’t work anymore.
Him: Why?
Me: Because, I’ve come to realize…I don’t need your fucking validation!
(he just laughs)

We spent a lot of time laughing, we bought Taco Bell, and shortly after that he dropped me off. We hugged. He smelled the same. At some point in the conversation, he said, ‘So basically what you want from me is to be more open." I put my face in my hands and smiled and said, "I don’t know what I want from you anymore." And he said, "Well that’s helpful." I spent the rest of the car ride, in the back of my mind, trying to figure it out. But I guess, in essence, YES, that’s what I do want. For him to be open. But I’m scared of it at the same time. At one point he told me about the pot in his room, and said he has enough for 2 or 3 bowls and if I wanted to come over….I declined. It’s a bad idea. Not only do I not really LIKE pot…but if i can’t even trust myself around him with a couple drinks in my belly, I don’t think being high out of my mind would help the situation.

The car ride was very informative….but it only led to more confusion. The more I’m around him, the more I have tendencies toward "fun" (i.e. drinking, smoking pot, doing spontaneous shit) and away from "responsibility" (showing up for class, saving money, staying away from "drugs"). My smile and laughter is easy around him, I feel relaxed. But at the same time…he vexes me to no end. He told me that he’s looking for a relationship, and even held hands with a girl we used to go to school with. I’m happy for him…I don’t want him to be alone…but I still get that small twinge of jealousy and it’s hard to talk to him about those types of things.

Later Dustin & I hung out… but I said nothing about the meeting with Brandon. Because it just causes problems. Although I told him Brandon is back in my life, I didn’t tell him we hung out yesterday. I know he doesn’t want to hear about it anyway…and I think Ashley had it right when she said, "I think Dustin is partially OK with it because he thinks that Brandon will just keep fucking up. But what if he doesn’t fuck up this time? I think that will cause the biggest problems of all."

So basically, I am in the same position as I was. I WANT them to co-exist but know they can’t. But instead of making a definitive decision, I’m milking the situation for all it’s worth. I’m just getting more and more confused….and that makes me ache for an engagement ring, which is wrong. For some reason I think that being engaged will make all the problems go away….rationally, I know it will only make the problems magnify themselves.

What am I getting myself into?

Love,
Amanda