Not together but I’m getting there

Day Zero Project

Here is to boyfriends that watch you morph from Sweet Girlfriend to Ball O’ Fury in 9 seconds flat and don’t punch you in the face for being over-dramatic and just plain ridiculous. This is to him who, instead of choking me, rubs my back and says things like "poop" to make me laugh, because once I start laughing I continue to laugh and then I get happy. Although then I’m angry at the same time, because I didn’t want to be happy but he made me be happy against my wishes. Which is totally not fair.

Here is to 81 degree days that turn into 57 degree nights, where bare feet and jeans are acceptable, where windows can be open but I still cuddle up to a big, yellow, fuzzy blanket that Dustin bought for me last September.

Here is to deciding that I can still quit soda, even though I cheated and had two cans. So I went to the Shell station and bought $6 worth of beverages (FIJI WATER IS THE SHIT.) and drank them all during my 6 hours at work.

Here is to telling the past and all its pesky inhabitants to fuck off. Because there is a reason why I am in the moment I am in now, and not in the past. The past will not rewrite itself, and I am too embryonic to write the future. I have repeated my mistakes because there were lessons that did not penetrate my thick skull. I refuse to keep making the same mistakes. God wanted me to realize that I cannot keep holding onto the past and that’s why the mess with Brandon came to pass and I can miss him all I want, but would his reappearance make me happy or upset? I would guess upset. But no, he will reappear once I do not think of him anymore nor desire him in any form in my life. Because people like that ALWAYS pop up when you are finally happy, and never a moment before.
 

Here is to throwing caution to the wind. I am too young to pretend I am thirty. Sometimes I forget I am 19 and not thirty. It’s a little heartbreaking. I have a good chunk of my life to carry the weight of the world; i don’t have to right now.

Here is to actually bringing about change myself, instead of waiting for the world to deliver it to me. if you seek something, chase it. bring it back yourself. because the world owes you nothing. you are the maker of your own destiny.

I will be on vacation. See you guys in a few days.

Love,
Amanda