You Heal These Empty Days

Day Zero Project

and it’s all because you take me as i am

Dustin and I are together again. It makes sense; WE make sense. It is the normalcy and security and belonging that matter to me. Fun and chaos do not matter to me. I am wearing my ring again; he slipped it on my finger and it settled into rightness. We had a long talk outside on the patio, all mosquitoes and tiki torches and citronella candles. I know I am in a good place right now, and no matter what, he is there to keep me from faltering. Because I will falter. I did some work on my own and all the work I need to do now needs to be completed and worked through with him in attendance. We are not perfect by any means, but together, we are strong enough to accomplish what needs to be accomplished.

I went and saw the Goo Goo Dolls at Summerfest with my dad. It was a bonding experience (an awkward one). The crowds were thick and I felt like a sardine. I had beer spilled on my leg only once. I tapped and bobbed along to the songs I know so well; these songs have kept me company on so many lonely, emotionally-draining nights. The setlist was amazing: Name, Iris, As I Am, Let Love In, Can’t Let It Go, Broadway, Slide, Nightmares & Dreams, Black Balloon, Here Is Gone, Stay With You, Better Days…..among others. They played for over an hour. The crowd was disappointing; they only knew the popular ones. The setlist said the GGD would play Notbroken but they didn’t. I think it was because the crowd didn’t know As I Am. Very disappointing because Notbroken is so completely mind-blowingly amazing.

My dad pointed out all of MIlwaukee’s grandeur to me…naming off popular Jazz bars he goes to, the cigar bar he went to in college, "the best barbeque in town", etc. We listened to his cd of favorite GGD songs. I bought a GGD tour shirt…I am in love with it, wore it all the way home.

I worked too much this weekend. I am very nearly dead from exhaustion though I shouldn’t necessarily be. It has been a blur of activity all weekend. I sport three or four burns all over my arms….damn pizza oven. Now I am wearing a purple dress and my sister is going to highlight my hair Saturday.

My thoughts are jumbled. I am jumbled. But I will find my way. I always do.

Onward to the next.

Love,
Amanda

P.S. On 7-11-10, I wrote the following about Brandon:
"We mince words and I sound pathetic as I am lighting up another cigarette. Some things are still the same; the way you answer my mother when she addresses you, the cocky smile, the line of your hair against your forehead. The difference is your heart, which must be turning blue with the vice grip you have on it, your iron fist. I smile sweetly as my mind races. Inside my own head, I am flitting through memories that seem more fragile and innocent now. You seem leisurely and I can’t tell what you really mean about anything you’re saying. A stoic brick in front of me, I cannot reach inside and I am growing more desperately agitated as I fight to keep my lungs full of only air. Air and smoke. That’s all we feel like now."
Interestingly similar.
Good Lord.

"I feel like when I bend over backwards for you, all you do is laugh
Cause that ain’t good enough… you expect me to fold myself in half, til I snap."