I think about time, a luxury so hard to find.

Day Zero Project

May 2011 Playlist:

1. Gone Away – Safetysuit
2. Fireflies – Owl City
3. Where’d You Go – Fort Minor
4. Hello Seattle (Remix) – Owl City
5. Wherever You Will Go – The Calling
6. Beloved – Tenth Avenue North
7. Pieces – Red
8. Find A Way – Safetysuit
9. Vanilla Twilight – Owl City
10. Anywhere But Here – Safetysuit

And if I was scared, I’d be glad to tell you and walk away…But I am not lying, I am just trying to find my way into you.

I hate waking up from dreams that jumble things together, combining sequences to make these unforgettable scenes in my mind. Things that don’t belong together, things that create feelings, feelings that linger in my blood long after I awaken. It would confuse my reality if I let it, but I smash it under the floor and contemplate the gray fog instead.

There are things that are awkward and broken and I hate when people try to put them back together and call them good as new. It’s not good as new; nothing is ever the same after you break it, no matter how hard you try. It’s just broken and maybe I love it more, being broken and all, since it taught me something. Because things slip through the cracks and mistakes are made and that is life.

Nostalgia turns into bitterness, now. I try not to think about the past because it makes me sad. I don’t want to be sad, or lifeless, or broken. Sometimes I don’t even want to remember things in the first place. Sometimes I look at the scenes that played out and feel bitter and angry. Other times, not. But I can never guess anyhow, so I’m trying to stay away.

Sigh. I just don’t really figure what the point is anymore. I feel like I’m racing through life, too intent on the finish line, and I miss all the scenery. I can never breathe. I can never just be. There is always something to do and I just want to whip around and tell the world to back off. I need a break. And someone will turn this into a competition, listing off all the things they are juggling, and I’ll just nod numbly. Why should I care? It’s not a goddamn competition, based on the fact that every person is different, tolerance levels are not the same. Stop trying to force it. Breathe breathe breathe.

My parents are strong people and I am tired tired tired of the rude things aimed at them. I get angrier by the day, nothing can roll of my shoulders anymore because there are too many bricks at this point.

Work at 4. And then life continues on.

Love,
Amanda