Guilt Stays With You ****trigger warning****

When you’re a cutter, the disappointment your friends, and perhaps even your family, has for you never quits. Especially when you stated that you’d stopped cutting for good, and you go and disappoint them all over again with a new armfull of cuts.
Today Kayla was saying she was really worried about this other girl I know, because she started cutting again.
How could I tell her that I hadn’t told her the real truth… that a few months ago, when she asked me if I was cutting again, I said no and pulled my sweatshirt sleeve a little tighter over the bloody crevices.
Maybe I want to tell her. Maybe I don’t. Maybe she doesn’t need to know, and maybe another person doesn’t need to know… considering Tim kind of knows anyhow. I was talking to him on Friday night and I sort of told him, but I don’t think he really UNDERSTOOD what I was talking about. So who knows if he knows?
Friends are people you should be truthful with… but the truth is I haven’t cut since that unfortunate night that my parents were screaming at each other, and I snuck out to get away from it all.
Yeah, it’s called going a little crazy sometimes, I guess.
Katelyn goes through my backpack at lunch, and I kind of freak out. Not all my notes are actual NOTES… some are my Study Hall Writings… about cutting and old past crap and such. I don’t need that being read…
Maybe with these new, better friends… I’m trying to forget a past… my past. Maybe I’m just trying to start clean.
But who could really start clean NOW? How could I start clean? You can’t erase scars, or those awful feelings you get that propel you to cut. Yeah, I haven’t in awhile… but honestly? There’s no way I can trust myself… be 100% positive that I won’t go back to it.
One gets clean only to dirty themselves once more.
<3 amanda