Wake Up, In A Dream (I can’t scream)

I can’t save your life
though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting
I’m losing my mind
and you just stand there
and stare
as my world divides.

Well, that’s basically why I dropped my other friends.
On here, I’m crying out for help, to the state that it’s so
pitful that I can’t look people in the eyes anymore
(if i even did in the first place, my eye issue makes me
a tad self-conscience.)
And what do my friends do?
Completely ignore the problem and only note me on my happy entries.
That’s why I dumped them off, screamed at them, and moved on.
And, here I am.

You know, I realized today that I have all these reasons
(the validity is not to be questioned)
why I SHOULDN’T tell my parents,
and suggest to see a therapist.
Now, as soon as I told my mother before that I did NOT
want to go to a therapist, I felt my last string of hope slip away.
As far as I can see, it’s hiding under the couch, and I’ll have
to yank it back up to where she can see it.
Odd analogy, I know.
What I realize now, though, is
although they are valid ‘reasons’
they are more of EXCUSES than anything else.
I need that help, I crave it like a crackwhore craves crack.
But if a pack of clowns with owls on their shoulders have that crack,
there’s a strong chance I’ll ignore the addiction for now (I hate clowns and owls,
sorry, just a quick side note.)
But I know that addiction will resurface again soon.

Thanks for listening.
Note me, at least for my benefit. xx

– I devise my own demise –
<3 Amanda

xxWith-Love

January 23, 2007

maybe your friends only noted you on your happy notes because they didn’t know what to say when you were sad, or maybe they didn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset you more. ryn: in response to your question. i found out i was depressed when i just started crying for no reason and i didn’t understand what was happening to me. i was soo scared. i was sitting in my closet just crying and my

mom was asking me what was wrong but i didn’t know. i think i was between 12&14. i looked at whatthe symptoms were and i had all of them. my mom also has depression so we talked about what i was going through, and me and my mom felt the same way. so that’s how i found out!!

it seems that your friends were afraid to get involved with your problems…but yes i would be pretty offended too if they were doing that. it’s always good to have a friends support.

Others found out, because they could just see how i acted and my manerisms towards things. they could tell by how i talked, and didn’t talk. my closet friends all know. well were my closests. but pretty much everyone who knows me knows that i have depression. b/c i pretty much told all of them. i feel that this is who i am. and it’s part of getting to know me. i don’t put it out there.

it takes/took me a while before i told my friends/boyfriend/people i was getting to know. when the conversation started getting more personal or if i was having a bad day, that’s usually when they found out.

Well if you’ve read my diary you know I feel a lot like you 🙂 Thanx for replying

*Emily*

February 4, 2007

Ooh I love evanescence too.