A Letter Remaining Unwritten

Dear You,

Words are stuck in my throat,
as I imagine the cold certainty
that must be in your mind,
colder than the wind that
blew the snowflakes into my eyes
on that one November night.

Does it makes you happy to know that I will never find that part of you again, that I will never know you the way I did then? Is that the purpose, the point? It makes no difference if I hold the whole deck now, because you’re gone. But that was my goal. This way, you won’t be able to peek into my soul. This way, you’ll be able to let me go. I tethered you up, and you kept strangling yourself with the rope. What was there to do besides make you think I hated you? I made sure you hated me even more.

I wish you hadn’t pushed me into doing all this. I just wanted to be friends, I just wanted to see you happy. But I should’ve known, since the day you told me, "I don’t want to be just another ex turned friend." I should’ve known I was getting in over my head. I should’ve known those brown eyes trusted me with miles and miles of heart and soul. I know I broke you; you don’t have to mutter words to me so that I know it’s true. I know your pride prevents you from letting any emotion show. But at least now, you managed to let me go.

You came at me with words made of venom and bile. Words like ‘bitch", like "whore", because you just couldn’t take it anymore. Because I was messing it all up for you. Because I couldn’t bear to watch you heading headfirst into oncoming traffic. I couldn’t bear to let go of those ropes of control.

At least now I’ll never stand in your way, not one more minute.

Love,
Amanda.

pps. i dream someday you will figure out this was all to save you in the end. but you never will. you will always hate me for this, and you will think I hate you. You will never know the truth because you will never care to look too closely.