Struck With A Bullet

i am feeling violent. i’d like to strike out at someone.
i’m an idiot.
it sucks when someone knows what you want, but they don’t give half a damn.
or when they don’t respond to your very important text messages.
especially when you fall asleep sometime after 6 am and find yourself awakened by Mr.Jolly at 10 am
When you spent the entirety of your night bawling your eyes out.
Only a portion of it was because of your shattered heart.
The other was from the incessant burning-feeling in your sliced finger.
that would not stop bleeding.
and you get pissed when he says, "you better not be doing that crap on my behalf"
which firstly, makes no sense
and secondly, comes in as an easy second to the eloquence of someone else.
it sucks when someone says they "love" you
when they are threatening and refusing to not be even your friend
when they ask you to sacrifice yourself, the being of YOURSELF,
so that they can have you.
and you spent the morning incredibly angry,
with a finger that is STILL throbbing, but thankfully stopped bleeding
and you had to drive to Walmart for creamer
and you prayed in the parking lot that you wouldn’t run into him,
because you surely didn’t want to abide by "misery loves company".
And now, you have an incredible headache,
and an angry heart,
and you’re starting to question why God is so cruel
to make more than three people fancy themselves IN LOVE with you,
and destined to marry you.
So that they never want to be "just friends"
they want to be the one you come to, they want to hold you.
And while they are pouring those incredibly sweet words into your ears,
all you want to do is run far, far, far away.
just keep running. go anywhere. be anything.
Sometimes the weight of the world is unbearable.
And I never asked for the burden.
I want to go back to sleep.

i refuse to feel like dirt. i refuse to apologize for wanting to learn to love and trust myself before i do so to someone else. i refuse to give in or give up. I’m sorry I can’t fulfill your expectations. I must be such an awful person for saying any of this or refusing to lie to both of us by being in a relationship. I was strong before you, and I’ll be strong now. Peace fucking out. amanda.

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