Wishes Against That Faint, Aromatic August Breeze

there is no time to waste asking why.
i’ll run away with you by my side.

"Envision the woman you want to be. Act like her. You aren’t faking anything, because she’s been inside you all along, you just haven’t realized it yet. Eventually, you won’t be pretending anymore. You will be her." – Lisa

I realize that I’m all these things I don’t want to be.
My 14-year-old self would kick my current self’s ass.
I used to have it made, and I know it.
Though, how "made" can you have it if your world is the size of a fishbowl?
I didn’t know, so I found out.
And I’m still trying to find my way back.
Or forward.
Or wherever.

There is something appealing to me about a daisy, all white and gold, all feathery soft.
There is something appealing to me about dark hair and a stark white dress and flushed skin and lavender tangled in those dark, sun-kissed strands.
There is something profoundly lovely about a pool that glitters in the waning light of a rose and tangerine sunset with hot, gentle breezes and a cactus not three feet from my left ankle.
There is something inspiring about infinite squares and streams of light against that dark skyline with a spring breeze kissing my neck.
I want to squish my toes in the sand, I want to prance around in the waves, I want my carefree laughter to carry into the moon against a purple sky.
"There is no ‘you can’t have everything you want’. Yes you can. You CAN have what you want. Go and get it."

I want to travel cross-country.
I want to feel infinitesimal against a gorgeous mountain.
I want to wear sunglasses in the car that are too big for my face and giggle at the faces people make at me.
I want to see a stretch of freeway a mile long, straight ahead, a dusty rope of promise.
I want to eat at little roadside greasy burger joints.
I want to talk to an old woman who insists on serving that sludge resembling coffee.

I want home to feel like home.
To just breathe in and feel settled, feel like i belong, feel like I don’t have to change the world, I just have to mold my life into something desirable in my eyes.

I want my childhood back.
I’d like to rewrite history,
but I can only write the future.

I’m tired of playing the victim,
an instrument of her family,
the wounded girl that never returns love.

I want to experience. I want to taste. I want to just be and feel as content with that as God allows.

I desire change. I desire the next chapter. I embrace optimism, in this moment.

Only a whispered, sacred promise.
Love
Amanda