A Subconscious Answer

and when its gone, what will you say
how do we hold on?
how do we hold on.

Cruel misconceptions that leave me twirling and spinning and falling all the time, like some kind of disaster and karmic retribution. I am loosely considering abandoning every wayward feeling that punches my heart in its ventricle. I can’t make sense of love born and bred in a grimy hell, full of snot and bitches and broken spirits. I cannot consider my conscious thoughts, so I will now write with my heart to try to discern a rough path to tread on.

I do not understand blue oceans that leave me swallowed in the sea I loathe becoming a part of. My entire being is wrought of agony and the path of the most resistance. It seems I must always take the most difficult, ass-backwards way imaginable, until my feelings are a tangle of love and hatred and lust and lullabies and goodbyes. My chest is constantly wracked with the known inability to hold on, to cherish, to desire things not entirely possible. My mind breaks and grinds against my heart, and my heart explodes at a flick of a fingertip. Which way? Which way, I ask you? I am truly asking myself and I don’t know the answer. But are we really supposed to know the answer? The darkness is engulfing and smiles make up for a world of pain and how do I know? Am I supposed to know? Is there supposed to be a proverbial click when something feels, tastes, sounds, looks right? Who’s to say it’s not right? And why, why must I entangle myself in a mess that I’m not sure I can find the way out of, at least not without dragging bodies and hearts along the way?
Under a clear night sky, everything feels so belligerently crisp and clear. Feelings do not rub across my skin like a biting razorblade, but rather a tousled feather. Hormones, true love? Is it what I want it to be, what my subconscious deems it needs? Or is it destiny, thick and deep and red, like the blood that pounds through my veins? Have I let silly snot-noses direct my path? Am I really as terrified of committment as I claim to be?
I’m downright apprehensive when it comes to signing myself over to another human being. But where better to fall apart and fall in, other than a boat that has been beautiful and calm and ever so lovely all of this time? Everything seems a jumble, and then I wonder if I am only losing myself. Losing myself because I’m scared of what I will find. I don’t want to look. I don’t want to see me, raw and vulnerable. I want to lose myself in love because that’s the only thing I know how to do. How should I find my way with my heart? These feelings make me feel like a full, bursting ball of glee, and so desolate and empty at the same time. Will I ever disentangle myself from this sick cycle carousel?
I float on, unsure, selfish, unequipped. And that’s what life is supposed to be, so say the experts.

That’s all my subconscious and I have to say for now.
Too tired to analyze,
Amanda.

Feel The Silence
GOO GOO DOLLS

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you’re born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say
I don’t know where I’m going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We’ve been so lost for so long
I don’t know how to get back again
And we’re drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you’re fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don’t know where to begin
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it’s gone what will you say

How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry