In Midnight Conversations

I feel like connecting. I smell the summer nights with the cool breezes and I just want to live inside it forever. The world is too bright and harsh during the day, making every conversation more abrasive than soothing. The moon has a soft shine that makes me feel so comfortable, so at ease.
Right now is a rough time for me, when every "friend" seems to be departing or evaporating before these brown eyes. I feel alone, but it’s kind of in a good way. I’m not completely sure what I mean by that but there it is. The loneliness is soothing, I guess, because I don’t have to explain myself to people. I don’t have to watch my back all the time. I feel like I can breathe easier, surrounded by candles and warm faces and loving words. The encouragement, the first inkling of it that hasn’t been around for awhile, has taken its place inside me. I love it. Because the ones that have stuck around are the most phenomenal beings ever created.
I am listening to the Goo Goo Dolls right now, which is probably my favorite band in the world right about now. It’s soothing and mind-numbing, and I can always see myself inside the song. It melts in my bloodstream. And I’d give anything right now to drive around with the windows down and Goo playing softly in the background.
I don’t feel so trapped anymore. And I got congratulated today by Lisa, because she said that I was making "progress" by recognizing that I have needs too, and I’m taking the steps to speak up about it. The reason everything is so painful right now is because I have no control over the outcome – it is now up to the others in my life to become better people too. I am just not willing to hold relationships the same way I have been. I want to put into them only what I get out. And I will no longer rob people of the gift of figuring the world out for themselves. I am sick of playing the therapist for people – I’m still a kid, and I want to enjoy the last 9 months of it in peace. I want to do "kid" things before I have to be an adult. Granted, I will always find people snapping silverware in half at Webbs to be annoying and immature. Ew.
Though things have been hard lately and will only continue to get harder, I have to remember these moments. The moments where I have everything within my reach. Where I am content and fulfilled. Where the world is open and ready for me to leap on in. And yeah, it’s really hard to deal with some things…especially Dustin & my tentative friendship. Yes, we sat down on a Saturday morning at the park (where so many memories were made) and talked. It’s better, but not optimal. But I will see where the river takes me. I am excited for the ride. Scared too, but mostly excited. For once in my life, despite all the daily shit I must endure, I feel optimistic. And I want to hold onto that as long as possible.
Especially with winter coming up – I need to find a better solution for those desolate, bitter months.

my head lies to my heart, but my heart it still believes, it seems the ones who loves us are the ones that we deceive… but you’re changing everything, everything in me.

love,
amanda.

Feel The Silence
Goo Goo Dolls
You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
All you remember now
Is what you feel

The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away

Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you’re born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain

And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say
I don’t know where I’m going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We’ve been so lost for so long
I don’t know how to get back again
And we’re drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you’re fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don’t know where to begin
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it’s gone what will you say

How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on

You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry