The Color of My Soul

I’m just a mess right now, a puddle of tears and laughs and more tears.
Today I sat down and told him my life story, something I’ve never done before.
The whole time, I was able to keep humor.
But now….now I can’t anymore.
The dredging up of bad memories destroyed my soul for the night.
Talking about the way I’ve been destroyed so many times,
so fucking painfully,
so completely.
And the ways I learned to cope with it.
Horrid ways.
Talking about the cutting and the best friends who smashed my heart on the floor like it was nothing,
and the way my family has been almost ripped in half before.
I look back and just think…..How the hell could I have been so stupid, so many times?

And the past few nights, I’ve been all anger and tears and hurt.
I was told that self pity doesn’t accomplish anything, last night…
and I agree.
But apparently neither does helping others and being a strong person.
Because all that happens is you get burned.
And Brandon told me that, "That’s just the way the world is, Amanda. None of us like it, but we’re stuck with it."
And I said, "Then I don’t want to be stuck with it anymore."

Lost,
Amanda.