Denial and Inspire

I don’t know how I still have the energy to write. I’ve been dreaming interpreting for the last two and a half hours…..if that isn’t dedication, I don’t know what is. The dream truly intrigued me and I’d like to figure out the messages my subconcious has for me, kthx. It’s just, I can see, now, so many things in that dream. And so many issues in my everyday life. And I feel so…odd…not like I did last night, but…..i have no idea.

Brandon and I ended up getting in a huge argument about sex. It was a big mess and I even ended up crying. Because the subject deviated. And I told him flat out, "Brandon, people don’t love you. They love what they SEE. And I just….I want to know YOU. I want to know what makes Brandon…well…Brandon! And you know, for the past nine months, I had the utmost patience with you. All I’ve been thinking the entire time is, ‘How fucked up am I for him to not TRUST me enough to talk to me about his past? Why am I not good enough?’ And I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I’m trying to get it off my chest. Because that kind of stuff fucking hurts, Brandon. And I do care about you…really, I do. A lot. But it’s shit or get off the pot time. We’re either dating or we’re not. You have to make the decision about whether or not you’re going to open up to me or not. And if you aren’t, and you think that sharing your past isn’t a requirement in a relationship, then look somewhere else for a relationship. I’m done being emotionally invested, baring open my fucking soul, while you sit back protected behind your goddamn walls. I don’t want you to change, Brandon. But I will make a decision to or to not leave based on what i will and will not not put up with. I’m sorry, but there it is. The ball is in your court now."
We were up until five in the morning.
I also realize how fucking scared I am. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to be on my own. I’m scared to embark on my own journey, and that’s the damn truth. I don’t want to graduate and have to be an adult. I want to stay a kid forever. It’s a childish wish, but nevertheless, it stays with me. This is my last year of high school, and I…..I hate this so much. I’ve spent so much of my time praying for high school to be over faster, and now that three of those years have flown by, it’s ripped me to pieces. I just want to cry. But life is this roller coaster, and once you’re on, you can’t get off. And that’s the truth.
God I am so fucked.
Gah. I need a shower. And to sort out my feelings. And make sense of this stupid life in my ever-futile way.

Desolate and lost,
Amanda