Just A Thought

I empathize
though I will never truly know.

By the way, you look great in green.
I wish I could say a lot of things. But,
I cannot.
I am not shy, I am not selfish,
I am waiting. I am watching.
And this time… this time I am trying.
I am working towards summer nights and bonfires,
long walks and words exchanged quietly in the dark, starry nights.
This is because it feels like we’re fourteen again…
high on the warm nights and each other’s company.
You have the deepest calming effect on me. . . .
but I don’t want to plan our wedding.
I want to focus on the now,
the beauty of being together,
and knowing nothing can truly tear us apart…
not even ourselves.

and now…
I’m trading the unknown world for "safe"
for "comfort"
for… "love".
this love isn’t superficial
this isn’t being a stupid teenager
this is breathing in the very life that inhabits the sun and the stars and the long grass and the warm summer
all of the things that make me cry due to their unfiltered, untamed beauty.
and where….where would i be in this lonely, cruel world without you?
every fall from grace, i had arms to catch me.
arms i’ve taken for granted thousands…maybe millions of times.
arms that soothed my drunken upset,
that wiped away countless tears,
that held me in anger and in pain.
you’re a voice that has narrated well over three years of my life.
a voice that has given me hope in the bleakest moments…
when i was alone.
and when i was alone, it was either due to my own fault,
my own need for freedom or truth or whatever,
or due to the abandonment of others.
and either way, you never questioned it.
you never questioned me.
you just came and tried your best to alleviate every ounce of my pain.

there have been only a handful of times you’ve made me feel truly worthless…
a handful of times that mean nothing in the landscape of good will, good advice, and sound, comforting arms.
you have sympathized with my stress,
and put up with too much of my shit.
you’ve given me the world, your heart,
and watched me smash everything to pieces.
and everyone else has watched, too.
the whole world is watching.
and they watch you measure the damage.
and they watch you come to the conclusion that it’s still worth it,
that, for whatever reason,
i’m still worth it.

i thank you every day for the hope you’ve given me,
the strength you’ve given me when i’ve been weak,
and the love you’ve lavished upon me every day,
as if it’s the last time you’ll ever see me.
you’re one in a million,
the most unique in all the world,
and this time…
this time i’m convinced
that you’re all i’ll ever need.

love always,
amanda