how long this time?

you just sat there and said nothing, like I didn’t even matter. you didn’t fight for me, for us. i was yelling at you, near tears, and you just sat there. silent. the silence that drives me inexplicably insane.

since then ive driven aimlessly for a combined total of four hours, bursting into tears at the first notes of "What Hurts The Most", the only country song I can stand. suddenly it doesnt matter that you ditched me for your friends on saturday, or that you called me a bitch multiple times on thursday night. suddenly all i can see is you teaching me how to shoot a BB gun, or your hand taking mine for the first time at the Brewer game in september. suddenly the smell of the white tea lotion you gave me for our sixth month anniversary just last week is completely nauseating.

suddenly, every time i hear this country song, a tear begs to slip out of my eye. suddenly laying down to sleep is too hard. suddenly i don’t know if i can handle the awkwardness of gym class, lunch. suddenly i don’t know if i want to go to prom at all, dateless.

stupid stupid stupid.
i’m going to read or something. i’m exhausted. emotionally, physically, but my mind could run on its own juice for hours.

amanda