Trembling ******trigger warning*******

I’m not sure if it’s the temperature, the chilling tune of this song, or my scatter-brained thoughts that’s causing me to tremble, but I am. I have one eighth of a tank of gas, and that’s gotta last me another week. Ha. Instead of conserving it, today I took the long way home in order to admire the slushy skies and boldly colored leaves. I don’t know if this feeling brewing beneath the surface of my seemingly peaceful expression is due to trailing fingers and lingering hugs. In retrospect, I’m sure those are two of the reasons I’m feeling so… washed out, yet burning with unkempt emotions.

Sensations filled me last night. Rage swept me upstairs, the world lopsided yet oddly bold and stark. My hands were like an icebox, my legs were wobbly, my eyes were sharp and focused, set amidst a grotesque childish expression. I closed the door on the rest of the world and it became dizzying to the point I felt mildly sick to my stomach and high at the same time. I was simply understanding, yet at the same time, feeling completely lost. Numb. Hurt. Adrenaline began to collapse my lung capacity and permeate every blood cell as silver flashed in the golden glow of electricity. The world was burning my skin, splitting it apart, depicting every blood cell and demanding to feel. The world became compressed into an impossibly thin, razor sharp piece of silver. Satisfaction crawled through my veins, endorphins caused my hands to tremble and my blood to sing out through tiny passageways. Relief. Anger sucked out of my blood like venom from a snakebite. Feeling overwhelmed, pushed to the limit, frustrated, and most of all, all alone …. indefinitely diminished.
Wrong. wrong wrong wrong.
Then why does it seem so right?

And even now, I feel satiated. Satisfied.
I feel like I was cleansed of my own helplessness….temporarily.
Until cream roads want to criss-cross on pliable cells once again.

Oh, yesterday.
And then there’s today.

> amanda.

P.S. Today he was telling me about this girl in U.S. History who showed him her arm and said, "I did this during this period." He was freaked out by it. We ended up making jokes about cutting after that. It was funny how he isn’t yet trained to notice my winces when his hand grasps my bicep too hard. Here goes the explanation of my existence to yet another.