A Spattering

Bahahahaha! SC was definitely NOT considering the "taking the next step" or anything when he was texting me about his 1- and 5-year plans being up in the air. Haha, glad I left the contents of the previous entry in an anonymous diary rather than sharing them with him!

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I have a million things to say, but it’s hard to…like…muster the energy. Possibly because I don’t have any regular readers. This is a new diary. I deleted my old one…wish I hadn’t. It went back to 2001…but I hadn’t written regularly in years and what was there was just so…I don’t know. Tired.

Here’s something I feel guilty about. My son. I mean, I don’t feel guilty guilty because the fact that I’m consciously THINKING the following things makes me quadruply sure to ACT in the manner of a kick-butt mom, but I guess I’ve been a little…you know…"what if?" in my thinking lately. Or worse, I’ve been "if only…" in my thinking. It’s because I’m dating someone young and fun and not particularly settled. I want to go hang out all night all the time. I want to go see live music randomly on a Tuesday. I want SC to be able to come over for a movie without interrupting it, often multiple times for long stretches, because M is not a real champion sleeper.

But, whatever. SC was talking (on our AWESOME date on his birthday) about how if he’s going to get serious about grades now and apply for law school with me when he finishes this second degree, that it would be good that he was dating me rather than a different girl (or his ex-wife, which I’ll get to in a minute) because I would understand that he would only be able to hang out on weekends (thus that first line about him NOT currently considering moving in together or marriage or whatever…haha, this makes me laugh!) and I told him that an upside to that would be that I’d have a babysitter for at least half of the times we saw each other, since it wouldn’t be so often. I don’t honestly REALLY enjoy having him over after M’s gone to bed, unless my some miracle M happens to sleep for a while, and it’s fun doing things the three of us during the days, but man, I LOVE going out with SC just us. We have amazing times. I try to remember that lots of married couples with kids regularly get a babysitter in order to have a date-night, so that I don’t feel like a deadbeat mom, ha. And honestly, I think, since I am dating a genuinely good guy, this relationship is a GOOD thing for M, as well as me. For our family as it is, because I am happy and motivated, and for our future potential family, which, optimally, should involve a father for M and some siblings.

My mom makes me feel guilty, though. But, eh. She’s crazy and miserable and she has always inflicted almost immeasurable pain/suffering/harm on all three of us kids, so…I don’t really know why I care what she thinks, or worse, have sponged up her warped thinking patterns as my own. (I really need a therapist.)

So. The ex-wife. On SC’s birthday, at the freaking very beginning of the date (for which I had enlisted my dad to have a SLUMBER PARTY with M, which was a rousing success, yay!) he tells me that his ex-wife, who learned only three days prior that he was in a relationship, had been emailing him all day (not mentioning his b-day, bahaha…) about how she was going to break up with her boyfriend and how her family really loved SC and missed him and how no one had ever treated her as well as he did. Holy hell, right? I kept my cool, didn’t go all sad like I would have with B (I don’t know why, maybe the honesty makes me secure, but I don’t feel CRAZY about SC no matter how much I like him and want to be with him) and we just kind of talked about it. I asked if he would go back to her. He said, honestly, that it would screw him up, he needed to prepare for it, and that he would have a lot to give up…an awesome girl. But that he spent a lot of time with her and cares for her etc. etc. etc. and that he knew that the same issues would still be there, but he just didn’t know. And…I kind of love that he told me. That it wasn’t a manipulation to see how crazy I’d act and equate that with how much I cared, but rather, it was just open communication with a person you have been dating for a month-and-a-half. I kind of love that he is not declaring undying love for me like Brad was after date number two. I was so stupid and young back then, haha, and it was not real.

Anyway, I held it together and sort of just set my mind on the fact that I KNEW I was a more sound choice for him than she was, and I acted accordingly. And we had an absolute blast. Dinner, drinks, comedy club, more drinks, walking up to his favorite spot downtown and having (hold your lunch, this is disgustingly cliche) almost mind-blowing conversation. Then we came back to my place for pie (he said a while ago that he likes pie so much he’d have it rather than birthday cake) and the unveiling of his main present: a new tent (his was stolen) actually pitched in my living room because I am awesome 🙂 He had to leave rather than spend the night due to a silly set of circumstances, but sent me two texts, saying, "Thanks for the coolest most unexpected gift ever! And thanks for one of my best b-days ever!"

The next morning, I was pretty sad about the ex situation. I…yeah. Pretty sad. I felt like he was absolutely going to get back together with her. But when he texted me, and I mentioned it a little bit, he said, "I wouldn’t worry about that." I sent back a slightly feeble "Okay :)" and he said, "Yeah, I don’t know what she wants, but it doesn’t really matter at this point." I asked why not, fishing a little maybe, haha, and he said, "I dunno, I guess I’m just kind of over it, plus I would have a lot to give up. Anyway, that’s just how I feel about it." So…that’s nice.

Anyway. I have a job interview tomorrow. Good effing thing, because M and I are about two weeks from being destitute. Good thing I got that master’s degree.