Believe

As soon as she started talking I realized the afternoon wouldn’t be going where I thought it would. I was pretty sure we were going to ignore the elephant in the room, the feelings that were getting stirred up. She was crying and resting her head on my knee and I knew it was over. She wanted to know how I felt but I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say I didn’t love her. I tried to think of what I’d want to hear, how I’d want to be let down but I stayed quiet. She said she shouldn’t have to ask me these things because if I felt them, I would do something about them. She was right.

I shook my head when she told me how great I was. She thanked me for showing her that she was capable of love.

I didn’t believe her. 

"I could never hurt you," She said.

I did believe that.

She makes me feel less alone. She makes me feel attractive. She reminds me of what I can be.

She’s far away from parents and she wants somebody to home to at night. She’s overwhelmed. She’s happy when she’s physically with me, but when I’m not there she feels more alone than ever. 

"I really do love you, just so you know."

I don’t believe her.

"I almost cancelled our first date,"

She looks up at me, surprised, like I punched her in the stomach.

"It was right after my aunt’s surgery. That was the only thing on my mind and I just didn’t think I could anything that wasn’t sitting near the hospital bed. My mom told me going out with you would be a good idea."

Her face softened.

"I swore I wasn’t going to talk about the tumor or the cancer but then I did anyway. It all just spilled out at the dinner table and then you told me your grandmother had a brain tumor and that she was fine now and you meant it. I knew right then and there that I was supposed to be on that date. With you. I think about that all the time."

She starts to cry and I think its in a good way.

We hug tightly. 

"You’ll find someone who makes me happy," She promises.

 "You will too," I say with confidence.

Neither of us believe the other.