Working for the Weekend

Quote: "All things are difficult before they are easy." -Thomas Fuller

It was seventy degrees in New York City yesterday. It also just so happened to be my first day of work. I’d catch myself smiling as I walked back to the train station, the weather was warm, my tie was skinny, my shoes were new and my job was real. I was the man. 

Then came day two. The city is still surprisingly warm but I walk to work knowing yesterday wasn’t real. There was a lot to learn, most of which I had been unable to try on my own yesterday because my user name and password weren’t in the system yet. Today I’ll have to take on the tasks. I’ll have to learn and probably screw up.

An hour goes by, still no password. I walk to HR and hand a beautiful girl paper work I’d been handed yesterday. She smiles politely. She will not have a crush on me. 

I catch my reflection in the glass windows. My hair’s a little too short and for a second, I wonder if that’s why I haven’t caught a smile from a pretty girl. I roll my eyes at myself, I’ve only been working in the city for 2 days. It’s not weird that I haven’t made eye contact with a strange girl. Still, I find myself rubbing my head throughout the rest of the day, as if it will make my hair grow.

I wait at the glass doors that open my office, praying someone will open them before my boss does. He told me he’d meet me inside but my ID card hasn’t been activated yet and I can’t get inside. Luckily someone happens to be entering, I make it to my desk.

I have an email address now and when I get inside I find 283 unread emails. I panic.

I finally have enough access to complete tasks. I cut and edit clips form an earlier news show to post online. Except the first word in the story is being cut off and I have to redo it 18 separate times. Next to me is Adam, a hipster with tattoo’s. Within minutes I was hoping for an instant bro-mance. He’d begun showing me the ropes but quickly got distracted, understandably, by his own work. Next to him is Rob. Rob is a large African American man who I am developing a deep affection for. I ask him questions, sometimes leaning backward so that Adam isn’t involved. Adam is cool and knows what he’s doing. Rob? Rob could be my dad. Dad’s like to help right? Still, I am unable to find a non awkward way of capturing Rob’s attention and I feel uncomfortable. And a little dumb.

I alternate between awkward and dumb for the rest of the day. But I do eventually complete a task, minutes before I leave for the day. I leave the office feeling as if I’ve put in a day of hard work, though most of it was in my head.

I pass a famous television news anchor in the elevator and smile, because this is the life I live now.

Still, I read texts messages from friends and feel a pang of sadness. A twinge of jealousy. They were together last night and I was elsewhere. In bed by 11:30, actually.

I walk to the train, my head phones in. I am only in the mood for acoustic, soft voices, nothing too loud. I’m not sure of myself. I’m not sure how to do the job I was hired to do or how good I’ll be at it once I figure it out. I’m scared I won’t be the best.

I remind myself I will develop a routine, this will come to me eventually. I’ll learn. I’ll grow. I’ll get my groove back or whatever. 

My shoulders are tight and my head hurts a little. I’m go from excited to intimidated at a moment’s notice. I’d forgotten how much the first week of a new job sucks.