District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Quote: "Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand-in-hand." -Emily Kimbrough

My heart is sinking.

But not when I’m with you.

I stare at my ceiling praying for sleep night after night, with my eyes usually closing some time after 5am. I keep going through the same moments again and again. Sometimes I make different choices, like leaving the apartment five minutes earlier on October 29th. Other times I just replay moments like scenes in a movie. I see myself sitting in the office of the Dean of Student Conduct as he reminds me of the boy who cried wolf. "The boy was eaten in the end," He stated solemnly as he slid his wedding ring on and off. I hear the director of the apartment building I reside in explaining that my credibility was ruined. I hear the vice president of Residential Education and Services (my employer) telling me that I’m a poor role model and a questionable representative of their apartment. I see my the word "Dad" coming up on caller ID and remember the screaming, the words I could barely make out. "I said this can’t fucking happen again!"

He never told my mom about the first alcohol incident. I am thankful but the guilt weighs me down while I listen to Mom complain about the harshness of my punishment.

These moments run on a loop through my mind. I see my friend’s disappointed faces, the tears falling down their cheeks. I know it could be worse, I’ve got my health, but I hate that the pride my parents once felt has faded. I relive the above constantly. I’m filled with regret, remorse, sadness and fear. If I sleep before sunrise, I consider it a win.

And then she’s in my arms.

I damn near lost her on October 29th. She’s still so new to my life, I can’t weigh her down with all of this. I need to fake being a more put together person just a little while longer. Lindsay witnessed me punch the wall. Just one of the many inanimate objects my fist has collided with since September. When she tried to comfort me I mocked her, telling her that she was wrong. Things wouldn’t be ok. My job? My apartment? They were gone.

"I’m not here to babysit you and your anger issues."

I don’t even know when anger became an emotion I was so often associated with. Maybe when I punched my roommate in the face? Or it could have been during one of the countless arguments I seemed to start with the people around me. Either way, I was snapped back into reality with one sentence from her.

I love her red hair and the sprinkle of freckles on her nose. She’s smart and put together and looks great naked. When I’m holding her, I fall asleep in seconds. It’s almost always during an inappropriate time, but I can’t deny the comfort she provides. My mind stops going into overdrive, my eyes close and I wake up to her blue eyes and a kiss on the forehead. 

Although I’d damn near ruined my chances with her that night, she’s definitely come around. She came over to meet my parents a few nights ago, having been banned from my University for being present during the incident. 

When I’m alone I almost fear the comfort. Scared that once the rest of my life calms down I’ll crave the emotional upheaval of relationships past.

Clearly, its been a while since anything close to a healthy relationship has approached me.

I’m laying in my bed at home tonight, in the house my Dad doesn’t want me to live in. It’s almost 3 and I don’t see sleep coming anytime soon. Lindsay’s in a bed of her own, having a fallen asleep hours ago. I’ll reread her texts and close my eyes, hoping sweet words will take the place of her warm body for the night.

Wish me luck.