My Fickle Friend

 Quote: "Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings." -Unknown

As a side note, this entry is obnoxiously long. That’s what happens when you try to cram 4 months of events into one entry. I apologize again for not updating enough.

I stood in a crowded diner on a September afternoon, somewhat bored, waiting with a new friend to be introduced to some girls from his home town. I didn’t expect much, which looking back, should have told me something.

I knew as soon as I met her, that I wanted her. But I also made sure to tuck that desire deeply away as there plenty of reasons as to why pursuing Tina would be a terrible idea. She had once dated Rob, who had become the first friend I’d made once I went away to school. There was also the fact that she had a boyfriend who, from what I’d heard, wasn’t very nice. It wasn’t just her pretty face or her big smile, not even her shoulder length blonde hair and bright blue eyes, it was the way that we spoke. Almost immediately we had this easy going banter, shooting comments and insults back and forth, each word dripping with sarcasm. I loved it because she could keep up with me. There are so many girls who either don’t get it or just smile and nod. Not her, she was never missed a beat.

I wrote about her a little in my update entry "By Popular Demand", she was a freshmen, just 18 when we drunkenly kissed in the stairwell back in late October. We were hot and heavy for that full month. Sleepovers and sex, dates at the bowling alley, Stargazer Lilies and a jealous ex boyfriend. I shouldn’t have been surprised when she got back with the ex boyfriend over Thanksgiving break. I was angry, betrayed and heart broken. I’d later chalk it up to a learning experience. An exciting adventure from my first semester away at school.

I didn’t even see her until February. We both struggled to avoid eye contact, but the dining area was small and I found myself reaching for a fork just as she did. I turned around from refilling my drink only to just narrowly avoid literally bumping into her. I couldn’t take the mystery anymore. I asked her to meet me for lunch later that week.

We sat just the two of us, I was ice cold. I hadn’t forgiven her for a thing. Tina had talked so much about her ex boyfriend, he’d cheated on her, hurt her in ways I couldn’t imagine and now she was back? I’d done set up the meeting so I could fully confirm that she didn’t have feelings for me. That she’d used me to get her ex jealous or just to pass the time until they reunited, but as we sat she asked me questions. I was taken aback when she’d asked how my mom liked the fall finale of Glee, if my cousin had adjusted to college, how my friends from home (who she had never even met) were doing. She swore to me the feelings she’d had for me were real. I softened and we talked for the next five hours.
"Just tell me this," I said, not long before we prepared to leave. "Are you happy?"
Her eyes filled with tears, she faked a smile and whispered yes and broke my heart. Any idiot could tell she didn’t mean it.  I’d come to know this face very well in the next few months. A big smile with sad, tear filled eyes, that always got me to take down my wall.
It had begun to snow as we walked out of the building. We made awkward small talk, knowing there would be no point in talking again. We’d only come to get an ending, tie up loose ends. The snow fell harder as we hugged goodbye. I was just about to pull away when she grabbed me a little tighter. We parted ways in the snow and as I made my way toward the shuttle I turned and met her eyes. I smiled politely before we both turned away, moving in opposite directions, but knowing full well I was in trouble.

Tina would later go out of her way to find ways to be around me. Mostly it was through mutual friends, we’d just end up in the same place. We’d spar mercilessly over the ridiculousness of our situation, the boyfriend she lied to about hanging out with me. A near kiss in the hallway outside my room caused us to put any hope at friendship to rest. We vowed to break off ties for our own sanity.

And within weeks, she was single. He had cheated once again and she had left him. Slowly but surely Tina found ways to be around me. We’d watch Lost in my room every night, sitting close, nearly kissing but she always pulled away. Said when we finally kissed again she wouldn’t let it be a rebound. I watched her slowly get her groove back. Before long she had put away the sweat pants and hair ties and started dressing like the girl I knew first semester. 

It was early April when I took her to a little league baseball game at a park near our campus. It had been a cold winter and we’d finally found ourselves with one of those spring nights where it didn’t matter what you did, as long as it was outside. We didn’t know a member on either team but chose to align ourselves with the blue team since their shirt matched both our eyes. We sipped on Slurpees and blew bubbles from the stands before retiring to the swing set. We talked as I pushed her back and forth. She told me about the way her dad treated her mom, the way they fight and what it does to her. How she wanted better for herself but didn’t know how to get there. She told me how just the fact that someone like me existed made her want to get better and be with me. I leaned in for a kiss as the lights in the park went dark but she denied me, saying she wasn’t ready yet. We talked some more about how quickly we’d moved last fall, how in 2 months we’d hit nearly every relationship stepping stone, all but one, I’d reminded her.
 "I’ve never danced with you," I informed, as I held out my hand for her to take.
She stared at me, left eye brow raised, as she reminded me there was no music. I promised if she took my hand, I could make anything happen. I held her close as I began to whisper the lyrics to My Girl. She laughed out loud at first but began to hum along. It made me braver and soon my whisper turned to full on singing. I reminded her music wasn’t exactly my forte and seeing as how she was a music major, she should reserve judgement. 
 "You’re smoother than you look," she said, just before I spun her, just as the last light on the baseball field shut off.

From then on we were damn near inseparable. Our hanging out became less of a surprise and more of an expectation. She came home one weekend and met my family. We barbequed in the yard while she bonded with my sister over silly bands, talked about her father’s fire company with my own fire fighting father and discussed music with my mom. We drove around my town, meeting my friends, while I showed basically guided her through my childhood.

Our kiss would close to a week later when we’d taken a few shots and ended up in the hallway. I’d expected it to be softer, slower, but the alcohol made everything urgent. I pressed her up against a wall, one hand on her waist, the other cradling her face and our lips met. Tina pulled at my hair, yanking me in closer. It was just a moment later that I stopped it, told her I was well aware she still talked to her ex boyfriend and she’d have to choose. I left her there, telling her to meet me in my room later. I waited but she never came. I’d find out later that I was not the only guy she kissed that night.

I told her to never talk to me again, that I was done. I didn’t care about her. It was over.

April 20th, the day I turned 21, she asked me to meet her in the parking lot. She stood with a hand made 21st birthday survival kit and balloons. Inside the kid were sunglasses, aspirin, sharpies, bubbles, shot glasses, Dr. Pepper, pop corn, candles, red cups, playing cards, band aids, pong balls, glow sticks and air freshener. Attached were balloons and a card explaining each item in the basket she’d created, but it was the final sentence in the card. "You mean the world to me Bri and I hope this birthday is one you’ll never forget."

Call me weak, but I was back in. She swore that the other guy just showed her how much she really wanted to be with me. That she and the ex were over. Tina put on a brave face and spoke with every single one of my friends that night, knowing they’d be judging her. I told her we needed to go slow, but when her roommate invited me to New York City for her Tina’s Broadway Birthday surprise, all bets were off. We kissed and held hands along the streets of New York, deciding we were going for it, history be damned. She lived in South Jersey and it was only the second time she’d ever stepped foot in to the Big Apple. We promised each other that whatever the last month of school brought, "We’d always have New York."

We eventually drifted into being one of those couple’s without the label. She brought me to her cousin’s communion where I met her entire family. I joked around with her dad and watched Tina’s eye’s widen as he laughed. Everyone swore he was a stern man, who almost never gave new people the time of day. He commented that he was happy to see I was without tattoo’s, something the last guy had and that’s when I realized why he liked me so much. Short of killing a man, I had to be better than the last guy.

Our bond was stronger after that, I sat in her dorm room and did home work with her, although I feel like I always accomplished more work than she did. She spent the night in my room nearly every Tuesday. One Tuesday stands out particularily, due to the scratches she left on my back. She slept in my bed, kissed my neck, posted pictures of us on her facebook, but still, she wasn’t quite mine. I wanted more. I needed more. Every time I pushed, she pulled away. One drunken night, she told me I needed to give her space. She ended up in the same place as me anyway, drunk out of her mind. I was far from sober, but knew she was in bad shape. I carried her back to my room and held her hair back as she got sick. I’m not proud, but I looked through her cell phone as she fell asleep. Read just enough to texts to know her and the ex boyfriend still talked too much for my liking. Tina woke up and I tried to clean her up but I was too angry. We screamed at each other and she cried before leaving my room after i told her for seemingly the millionth time, that I was done with her.

There were only days left in the semester at this point and we met up to exchange the things we’d left in each other’s dorms. She told me I should hate her and I told her I did. I was ice cold once again, throwing painful digs her way, wanting her to hurt the way that I did. She told me she didn’t need it right now and I said I didn’t care, she deserved it and more.
 But it was Tina I was talking to so my bark was much worse than my bite. I softened as I asked her about the hold this guy had on her, why no matter what he did, she couldn’t cut off ties. I watched her body shake and tears fall as I reached for her hand. Tina pushed me away, saying she didn’t deserve my comfort. I held her hand anyway as she told me of how he treated her. How after he’d learned we’d slept together once they got back together, he grabbed her by the neck and held her against the wall until she told him every detail. I got the chills on a hot May afternoon as she told me of how he’d shove her around like a rag doll and how maybe he was exactly what she deserved.
  My own eyes brimming with tears, I begged for her to tell someone, anyone, about the abuse. She wouldn’t and swore I couldn’t either. I gave her my word as my heart shattered for this beautiful broken girl. I knew right then, she’d never love me. Not until she loved herself. 

The day I moved out we sat in the grass listening to My Backwards Walk by Frightened Rabbit. We spoke of our turbulent year, how much had changed and how much still needed to. We spoke of New York City dreams, me as a hot shot television producer, her as a broadway star. Our fear of failure and our feelings for each other. Staring up at the clouds I opened up to her. 
"I wish, that for just five minutes, you could see yourself the way I do."
She kissed me softly, then harder as I prepared to leave Montclair for the summer. I watched her walk away for what I was sure would be the final time, though May would tell a different story.

We Skyped and Facebook chatted nearly every day in May. When I had no time to Skype I’d send her pictures of the beard I’d begun to grow, she’d send pictures of the tan lines she’d acquired. We finally met up Memorial Day weekend, after going 20 days without seeing each other in person.

She stood on the street of my aunt’s shore house, I’d already acquired a fairly steady buzz from day drinking. I bounded out of the house, picked her up into my arms and kissed her hard on the lips. The two of us spent the night at her shore house eating dinner with her parents, discussing the gray hair I’d acquired and telling various college stories. I bonded with her dad and made her mother smile, I knew I was in. We spent the night at the board walk with my family, holding hands, watching my younger cousins on the rides. Our families met at a pancake breakfast her father’s fire company was sponsoring and I watched her wait on tables, falling even harder.

It was while we watched our parents interacting that I had to ask, "you do realize our entire family just met, right?"

The next night I stood on the roof of my Aunt’s beach house with Tina. The stars were out, boats on the water, the scenery was damn near glowing as we listened to my family drink and laugh down below. It should have been romantic, my arms should have been around  her waist, her lips just near mine. Instead we stood at least a foot apart as she told me she just didn’t think she could do it anymore.

I forced her to drive me to the beach, I couldn’t face a break up just floors away from my parents. The breeze coming off the ocean, made me shiver and sitting on the cold sand, I knew it was over. It was a realization that made me angry and led to me yelling, telling her she’d fucked with my head for months and I couldn’t take it. This led to her crying and then me crying as I apologized, I didn’t want to talk to her that way, not after what she’d been through. Tina tried to pat my back but I pushed her away. The two of us sat in the sand, each sobbing quietly, trying to pull ourselves together. I’m not sure why it took either of us so long to realize we were hopeless. There was too much distrust, both of each other and of ourselves and for some reason it took a cold ocean and a chilly breeze for it all to seem real.

I told her that I loved her for the very first time during what felt like an epically long drive home. I’d been so afraid for so long of saying too much, but at this point, I had nothing to lose. She said she loved me too, that she wanted to say it for a while but had held back. She began her speech not long after, saying that one day once she got herself together she’d want to be with me. That we could have a future together eventually. It was the exact same kind of push and pull I’d come to expect from her and seemed perfectly fitting for our goodbye.

And that’s just it. It all started because I wanted to know if she cared. I can tell you now that she did, the best that she knew how but feelings just aren’t enough. She dropped me back off at my Aunt’s house maybe an hour later. I kissed her goodbye, only this one was real. She’s since gone back to the ex boyfriend for reason’s I’ll never understand. I like to think I still cross her mind and that even though we’ll never be, in a few years she’ll think of My Girl, the park, NYC and the LaQuinta Inn and smile. I know I will.