Small Words

Quote:      “We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." -Walter Anderson

I could only be "Cool Guy" for so long. Truth be told after the events I wrote about in my last entry things did improve. I confessed that I didn’t like being ditched twice. I was promised it would never happen again. Things were okay. At least until my jealous streak got the best of me. I was supposed to ignore the guys who were commenting her on facebook. Guy’s I know she’s hooked up with. Guy’s I didn’t know and will most likely never meet. Ignore it. That’s what I was told. If I said anything I’d come off as crazy.

I did what I was told. I ignored it. For a few days at least. I wish I were stronger, could calm down a little more. And after the other night Kristina probably does too.

I’d planned what I was going to say and truthfully I probably could have sold it as if I were only midly interested has I been looking her in the eye. Instead as soon as she picked up the phone I word vomited my concerns. She was mostly confused, saying that it was only Facebook and she didn’t understand what the problem was. I explained it again and again, my issues with her hanging out and spending time with random guys that weren’t me. "But they’re my friends…"She said, "You’re being crazy."

And there it was. My worst fear confirmed. I had been outted as crazy. We talked in circles before she’d said the only thing I’d feared more than being crazy. "I feel like you don’t trust me at all."

I explained that I did, that I didn’t believe she’d cheat on me in a billion years. "Then what’s the problem?" She asked, only I had no answer. Somewhere along the lines I’d lost my point and no longer knew what to say. We agreed to move on, but not before I told her sometimes I do lose my cool. I overthink, I get jealous and when it happens I don’t need to be told I’d crazy. I just need her to calm me down.

A day later after spending the night up at her school drinking with good friends we retired to her dorm room. We were lying naked in her bed, bodies just a little sweaty, under the covers, kissing lightly. "I’m sorry if it came off like I don’t trust you," I whispered, my forehead on hers.

"I don’t want to talk about it," She whispered back, kissing my lips.

We stayed like that a little while, heads on pillows, eyes locked, holding onto eachother. I felt the words building, my chest about to burst. She closed her eyes, breathing slowly, softly. Say it, say it, say it. Her eyes opened. My mouth closed. "What?" She whispered, aware now I’d be staring.

"You’re pretty," I whispered, because ‘I love you’ can wait.

In other news my uncle, my Mom’s brother, has melonoma. I don’t really know what stage it’s in or really anything about the disease. I know that everyone’s scared and although my aunts are crying routinely, my Mom is convinced everything is going to be fine. I question her thought process, she’s living in a bubble if you ask me. He has ‘cancer’, the kind that kills people. How the mere utter of the word doesn’t send shivers down your spine is beyond me.

It’s too early to tell how thigns will play out, but I pray everything will be okay. I’m not sure anyone could handle otherwise.