Cool Guy

Quote: "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." -Abrose Bierce

I am constantly trying to decide when to be cool and when to blow my lid. It’s partly because I overthink every action, every thought, every movement. Both my own and those around me. I can never just do. I always give thought to how I will play my cards. In some ways it’s a good thing. I can not think of the last time I made a rash decision, I’m not sure I ever have. Every action I take is a concentrated one. If I can’t defend it, I usually don’t do it.

It’s why I punched Anthony in the face after he drunkenly attempted to kiss my cousin Leanne. I surveyed the situation. Hugged her while she cried, unsure as to whether she’d actually been worried about him in his drunken state or the fact that she’d have to explain this to her boyfriend. I went into the room to talk to him, knowing full well I’d decided punching him in the face was the right thing to do. Cool guy had left the picture.

That was in June. Now some 8 months later, they’re dating. It made me fume at first, but I ultimately decided to let it go. I’d let my hostility grow, openly stating my low opinion of him. I’m not sure when I realized I had to let it go. Maybe it was once I’d figured out it would happen with my blessing or not, it was only a matter of whether I’d be kept in the dark. I told her I didn’t hate him, if she liked him it was good enough for me and I hoped he felt the same way. I wouldn’t make anything harder for her. And for now I feel good about it. For now.

I don’t like forgiving. It makes me feel weak.

This is a strange fact especially when you take the time to consider my current girlfriend has broken things off 4 times in 2 years. We’ve been going strong, trust building and what not. Thursday night when she didn’t come home for the night the way she usually does, I played "Cool Guy". Sure, I totally understood her friends were coming up to visit her. Yeah, two of them were guys, whatever. I’m good with it. I’m cool guy, remember?

Now two nights later, after I’d spent most of my afternoon at my cousin’s second birthday party, I inform her I’ll leave whenever she’s ready to hang out. She isn’t sure yet. See, her friend’s mom just made them all food. Totally cool, I reply.

An hour later I recieve a text that begins with "Sweetie, I think I’m just going to stay here tonight. I haven’t seen them in a while…" Except for when they visited her at her dorm 2 days before. Her promise to not drive up to school until Monday morning so we could spend Sunday night together goes ignored by me. As does her text. I never answer.

3 hours later, we’ve yet to converse via text or otherwise. When I finally get up the nerve to send a reply, I’ll be torn. Am I cool guy or am I the angry, jealous, bummed, lame ass boyfriend who can’t find back up plans when his girlfriend flakes out.

Doesn’t matter much. I’ll regret it either way.