Gives You Hell

Quote: “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind." -Alex Karras

I sat in the wake, a few rows away from the casket. Waiting. My cousin Dennis had just leaned bent down to whisper "She’s here," much the way the secret service agent informs the president of an upcoming disaster.

"The show begins," I whispered back.

I’d had a hellish day consisting of 7 hours at Target full of greedy customers determined to get a good deal. Gone to the wake of my ex girlfriend’s father. Attempted to be there for her in the ten minutes I could spare before heading to my aunt’s wake. I tensed up upon seeing Kristen, holding her mothers hand, fiance in tow. I’d seen her just a few months previous under the same circumstances. I cringed when she awkwardly hugged my father and kept my eyes on her as she made her way through the room. Her eyes never met mine but I’m sure they burned a hole through her skin.

It was then that I saw the other member of the family I can’t take. She was dumb enough to meet my gaze. My jaw clenched, eyes narrowed. I shook my head in disgust and she walked away. I’ll never know what happened between her and my father. I only know what my mother believes and what I try to ignore.

My head soon ached from the tension that had built up all over my body. I couldn’t relax until the next afternoon after I’d served with Dennis as paul bearer and being avoided by the majority of my father’s family. I’d won. I loved the way they walked on egg shells around my mother. Not saying hello out of fear they would recieve no response. Careful to stay on separate sides of the room should she call them out on their misdeeds. I’d wanted so badly to be seen the same way. To be unapproachable. I’ve finally mastered it.

There’s a new All American Rejects single that that was just released. The chorus goes as follows: When you see my face hope it gives you hell, when you walk my way hope it gives you hell. The lyrics are simple yes, but its what I want. I want my father’s family to fear that I’ll mention e-mails, affairs or drug deals. I want Kristina to feel a pang when she looks at me, realizing how badly she hurt me.

Years have passed and I finally believe, it’s not me, its them. I’m not perfect but I’m a hell of a lot better than anyone mentioned above. They hurt and gave up on me when I was willing to go to hell and back for them. There are a million other people who appreciate my loyalty, my love and my respect.

I’m not missing out. I won’t forget that.